Book Club Topics

Tonto Fielding suggestion for Book Club topic when discussing The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles--
By this clip, it quite clear that Jean Rogers is one of the most doable babes in movie history. True or false?

Close, But No Cigar.

Good work for the team from Stanford University in this year’s Tonto Fielding Scavenger Hunt. Warm, but not hot. Nice thinking though, if a bit ambitious.

Watson... the game is afoot!

Clue #6 in Tonto Fielding's annual scavenger hunt. Good luck participants!

Tonto Dabbles in Sonnets

O thou, my lovely midget clowns, who in thy power

Dost hold laughter’s fickle glass, his sickle, hour;

Who hast by paint and grease, and therein show'st

Thy detractors withering as thy sweet self n'er grow'st;

If Nature, sovereign mistress over ring,

As thou amuse us, still will pluck thee back.

Ted the Bogan

Tonto Fielding, having had his fill hearing about how smart African Grey parrots are, decided to do some research on his own. This is when I developed a sign language for kangaroos. Ted, my first subject, signed me during our first experiment, saying “Righto, let’s go approach some girls we don’t know.” I signed back “What?,” since I was not expecting such quick results. He then came back, signing “Tonto, if we’re sitting there at a barbecue, and have got some beer, a girl’s drinking the exact same drink, well then we’ve got something in common just to start up with, yeah?” This is when I realized that our animal brothers are kuta.

A Star is Born

Tonto Fielding is currently lobbying the American Film Institute (AFI) to have the film, The Maid, starring Betty Page and Tempest Storm, to be inserted into their Top 100 list. I’m thinking maybe between #8 (On The Waterfront) and #9 (Shindler’s List).

So far, I have received no response.

Do I Hear Two Million?

Since the only authenticated photograph of Billy the Kid was recently auctioned off for $2.3 million, Tonto Fielding has decided to put a family relic on the block also, in hopes making some quick cash. My great-great-great grandfather, Silas Fielding sketched the last known image of HRH Wilhelm Lustgarden of the Castell-Rudenhausen ducal house, on a cocktail napkin before the duke disappeared on a hunting trip deep into indian territory. Rumor has it that he went native. One of Crazy Horses’ braves, at the Fetterman Massacre, was reported to be wearing a monocle.

I’m starting the bidding at one million.

Bowdlerized

It was made clear to Tonto that my novel would not be allowed into the library system, unless it was “bowdlerized” by a member of the committee, in order to protect the community from the effrontery of any gratuitous sex and inappropriate language. This task fell to Fanny Butcher. When I received my copy of the revised manuscript, I was to find that my masterpiece had been reduced to just two words: “The End.”

Literary Finds

Tonto, after much procrastination, decided to tackle the mounting pile of manuscripts building on my desk like the tower of Babel. It was when I was nearing the bottom that I found the discovery of a lifetime-- a previously unknown work by the the leader of an little known group of poets in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery chwyrndrobwllllanty siliogogogoch, Anglesey, Wales, dedicated to finding the secrets of the universe revealed from images on burnt toast. This treatise could possibly rival Plutarch’s “On the Apparent Face in the Orb of the Moon," and Bishop J. Harwood Mutterer’s “De Vita Beata.”

Case Solved

Tonto has finally discovered where the copies of his novel, The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles, were shipped to.

The Big Misunderstanding

Due to a mistranslation by one of the new acolytes, while a group of monks were watching the Dalai Lama on a CNN International rebroadcast of the Larry King Live show, several of them immediately lined up at Uncle Tam’s parlor in Katmandu to get their new Betty Page tattoos.

The Power of Poetry

My new strategy for luring out the elusive Bigfoot is to have several volunteers placed in remote woodland areas and read aloud from Ovid’s Metamorphosis, extolling the deeds of a hero and emphasizing the recurring theme of love—be it personal love or love personified in the figure of Amor. Being a creature of introspection, the bait will be irresistible.

Dear Old Dad

Tonto wishes his father, Bill, a Happy Father’s Day. Apparently I was the product of a one night stand. Mother was plied with promises of a one way ticket out of Calico. She woke the next morning, only to find several empty gin bottles, several jokes scribbled on a cocktail napkin, a llama in the bathroom, and her first hangover.

Aunt Edna was Tough as Nails, but Smokin' Hot

"Finish your vegetables, or the poodle gets it!"

Queen of Burlesque

Here is dear mother, just before she executes her trademark figure eight tassel twirl. "Mumsie," as I called her, was working several jobs while obtaining her Phd. in nuclear medicine. Although translating latin text for a local Seminary was her most fulfilling job, she couldn't deny that she really did have a gift for titillation. The rest of the story is history. I'm waiting for a posthumous Nobel for her work in nanotechnology.

24 Hours of LeMans

When I showed up at this years 24 Hour LeMans Race, to register with my entourage, we were stopped at the gate. I was told that my vehicle did not qualify as a race car. An argument ensued as to the merits of a social
environment in which people are not excluded from the activities of that society. Security then showed up and confiscated our built in beer keg, photographed us, and subsequently banned "Sweet Bessie" from the premises.

History-- Rediscovering the Truth

I’ve been doing a little research. Prior to the Revolutionary war, there were no political parties in the colonies. George Washington and John Adams believed in a strong central government so they associated with "Federalists", although during Washington's presidency there was no Federalist Party organization. Thomas Jefferson and James Madison believed in a weaker central government fearing that a strong federal government would take over the new states just as if there were a king all over again. The people who thought this way were known as Democratic- Republicans. It was at this time that Paul Revere’s ride became distorted and mythologized for political gain. What he actually cried out that fateful night was, “Buchman Tavern’s Apple Tansey, two for one—only three shillings.”

The Cover-Up

Tonto Fielding has discovered through previously classified documents, the cover-up of the Montana National guard incident of 1958. Colonel Bull “Ironside” Beets deployed his unit to set up a security perimeter around the Sacajawea Memorial Picnic Area near Dillon, after a Bigfoot sighting by several children attending a birthday party. His strategy was to appear to be seizing and exploiting the initiative-- and then to feign a withdrawal in order to draw the reclusive creature out. A machine gun nest would then demonstrate an over powering force. Ralph Pudd, who had been hired as a clown for the birthday party was riddled with over two thousand bullet holes when he emerged from behind a clump of bushes where he had been relieving himself.

Some People Take Things a Bit Too Far

Civil War reenactment Confederates arrested for shooting AP photographer as Union spy.

Classic Literature

Bigfoot--

The Lords of the forest are
the enemies of sweet reason,
the jugglers of eternal isolation,
molders of our lucid quiescence

--Bertram S. Fields (great grandfather of famous novelist, Tonto Fielding)

Chops

Tonto Fielding expanded his acting résumé when playing an extra on an episode of Extras, starring Ricky Gervais. Being fully aware that getting noticed would require the ability to express a variety of emotions without ever uttering a single word, I would follow in the footsteps of my idol Lon Chaney and brought my own makeup kit. Tonto was familiar with what it was like to be an outsider, to be at once a part of the everyday world and simultaneously distanced from it. And this would be the key to the art of acting, the art of continual transformation, which comes from a desire to become someone else, to leave your own skin and enter another’s. Hence I became “Quasimodo eating a sandwich at catering table.” I have been told that I nailed it.

Catch A Rising Star

The rumor mill in Tinsle Town is abuzz with reports that British comedian, Paul Foot, is slated for the role of Pirate #27 in the fifth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise. I, for one, am formulating a camping strategy in order to be first in line for tickets of the premier.

Family Tree

Tonto Fielding has been exploring his family history on one of those ancestry search engines. It has been great fun and I followed my blood line all the way back to Gog Fielding, who lived in a cave about 12 km (7.5 mi) east of Düsseldorf, Germany. He clunked Uh over the head and dragged her back to his lair to start the family. He thought her beard was pretty cute. Before this union, the trail runs dry.

The New #7

Rumors are starting to swirl, that the famous Stage Deli is going to introduce the Tonto Fielding to their menu. The conjecture over what will be in the sandwich has already become a matter of great debate in some of New York’s finest drinking establishments, and has been the cause of several bouts of fisticuffs requiring police intervention. For those of you who are handicapping the outcome, here are several of my favorite foods, if you are wondering what Tonto might put into the sandwich. 1—Saice (which is a Bolivian kind of hash). 2—Imam Bayildi (which is a Turkish eggplant dish). 3--Trinidadian Roti bread would be great for any sandwich. 4-- Alouettes Sans Têtes (which translates as headless larks). Yummy! And I can’t leave out, #5—good old fashion Pork Butt Goulash. Bon Appétit!

An Artist, A True Star

Tonto Fielding’s literary masterpiece has been running into roadblocks. Publishers refuse to accept my work on grounds such as copyright infringement and plagiarism. As a true artist, I refuse to compromise my integrity, and will continue to title the work—Of Mice and Monkeys.

No, I Want You To Die, Mr. Bond.

Tonto is currently on his private sovereign island, named the Bracken Duchy. I am working out an evil plan to come up with the next great evil Bond villain, to pitch to the Broccoli family. Madgibber the Twisted, Madbrood the Unspeakable, and Bentcraze the Warped, are all from a name generator. But I think they all sound too much like something from a stupid fantasy novel (to wizardly). I’m leaning more towards Germanic sounding names like, Albrecht Unsöld, Felix von Trojan, and Boo von Malmborg. Of course I might be tempted to go with the Dickensian theme. Ralph Eugene Meatyard and Robert T. Howling could work. Think evil Tonto, think evil…

Winderzeuger, Maestro!

Tonto was a contestant in the World Organ Playing Championships in Klagenfurt Austria. My music, I thought was going to put me over the top. I had chosen Fürchtet euch nicht, siehe ich verkündige euch große Freude, by Dieterich Buxtehude. It turned out that my chief rival, Ernest Reginald McClintock Dix had attached helium canisters to the diaphone pipes, making the powerful bass groundtone sound more like a car alarm. Needless to say, I lost the competition. The good news is that Ernest now has had to commit to a grueling concert schedule, while I get to watch baseball games for free. All I have to do is play “Take Me Out to the Ballpark,’ during the seventh inning stretch, and the theme to The Addams Family a couple of times. People love their TV theme songs.

Crank It Up!

At a time when guitarists were seeking more volume, Tonto found himself in a race with Jim Marshall to produce an amplifier with the most amperage. Jim came out with the “Marshal Sound,” that Ritchie Blackmore and Pete Townshend made popular. I, on the other hand, developed what I called, the “Fielding Stack,” which was made famous when original guitarist Manfred Lurker of the band, Piano Sandwich, was electrocuted on stage during the Woodstock Festival. This tragic scene obviously was deleted from the documentary film. For a short period, all the hard rockers wanted a “Stack,” but the second unfortunate incident sealed its fate.

Ice Hopping

Tonto has decided to write a letter to IOC President, Jacques Rogge, in order to support and advance his old friend, Nanook’s movement to have Iceberg Jumping added as a sanctioned Olympic sport. The rules are quite simple: Single icebergs must be hopped on with one foot. For the first single iceberg, either foot may be used. Side by side icebergs are straddled, with the left foot landing on the left berg, and the right foot landing on the right berg. It would be considered a DNF if the athlete falls in the water. Of course, I first had to explain to my friend that the rules to ban performance enhancing drugs would also apply to this sport. He finally capitulated on this point.

A, B, C, D, or All the Above.

As the inventor of standardized testing, Tonto is astounded that they are presently being given to students as a way to assess their abilities to analyze and solve problems, understand relationships, and interpret material. My original intention, was for them to be used as a way to substantiate the lower-order thinking of Colonel Erich Arnold von Buggenhaggen’s chimpanzee corps, which he had been touting as being more suited to accomplishing infantry tasks than the average soldier. He claimed that the human soldiers complained too much about shooting, loud noises, and sore backs.

Founded Upon Abstractions, Mr. Orwell

Theodore Ramsey Kneebone, the worlds leading forensic anthropologist, upon a cursory inspection of the remains of the burial of an old man found with three heads placed on his chest, discovered in the jungle of New Guinea, declared his expert opinion. “Here we have what might appear to be an ancient find with considerable implications to the advancement of archeology. Contrary to what my colleagues may believe, the truth is that this site contains the remains of a shipwrecked Swede prone to saccadic eye movements, who was often considered to be whimsical or quirky, smoked discarded cigarette butts off the street, was opinionated and outspoken concerning past Miss Sweden contestants, had a mischievous sense of humor, and a predilection to cannibalism.”

More Interesting People...

The news of winning the Cooley-Mead Award, given annually to an individual who has made lifetime contributions to distinguished scholarship in sociological social psychology, for his work on Glossophobia, caused timorous uncertain agitation in W. de B.P. Batty-Smith. For poor Batty-Smith had to accept the award in front of an audience of his peers.

That's Show Biz Baaaaby!

During a recent meeting, studio executives were bandying names about for the role of Gideon Chickenstalker in a film version of The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles, which is in the development phase. When asked my opinion (as author of the novel), I immediately said—Chris Farley.

Their response was, “He’s dead, dude (they love that term of endearment in Hollywood). What, have you been living in a cave or something?”
I could only speak the truth, and said, “Well, actually I have been living in that cave in Lascaux, Corrèze for awhile. At first I was taking part in an isolation experiment for the Laboratory for Physiological Psychology at the Sorbonne, where Tonto was cut off from communication with other people. After ten years of delusions and loss of reality and personal identity, my thinking became less directed, and was eventually replaced by highly personal fantasies and hallucinations. This was something that turned out to be not that unpleasant. Anyway, my intimate knowledge of the cave came in handy at the end of the experiment and I was hired to do some touch-up work on the Paleolithic cave paintings, for the Werner Herzog documentary, Cave of Forgotten Dreams.”

Their response was something like, “tchea, right!”

Tonto could only respond with a little bit of dactylology. Small minds will never be able to understand the free lance.

Disambiguation

Tonto Fielding’s idea for a fundraiser, when teaching at a school for blind children in Tanzania, had a minor glitch. I thought it might be a cool idea to put together a donkey basketball game, hoping to take in $1,500 for the purchase of a Kurzweil Reader. Unfortunately my man showed up with several rhinoceros instead (something obviously was lost in translation). The result was a catastrophe. The less said the better.

Famous Literary Disputes

One of history’s hushed up literary disputes is in the process of being investigated by Tonto Fielding. At Magdalen College, Oxford, Oscar Wilde openly scorned "manly" sports though he occasionally boxed. It was during this period that Wilde happened to overhear fellow student, John Cawte Beaglehole, disparage Walter Pate’s “Studies in the History of the Renaissance,” which Wilde had claimed, “has had such a strange influence over my life.” What Tonto has uncovered, is that Wilde knocked Beaglehole out with one punch. I have concluded after much research, that in fact it was not a fixed fight, as some have suggested. In retrospect, it has become quite clear throughout boxing history that some of its greatest fighters have all had a propensity for languishing attitudes and showy costumes, a tradition that Wilde clearly originated.

Famous Edgars in History

When Lionel Keats, the minor English poet and seldom recognized brother of John Keats, started hearing the voice of an imaginary friend tell him repeatedly, “I am going to stay here and not go away until you do what I say,” he decided to share this with his parents. They told him, “Whatever else you do, keep telling yourself that the voice comes from a malfunction in your brain and under no circumstances are to do what the voice says.” This was sage advice, because Lionel’s evil mutant twin, Edgar, kept trying to convince him to kill the future major romantic poet. Sadly Lionel never questioned why mirrors had been banned from the family home. Having knowledge of the true nature this strange voice would have made life so much simpler for him. He never could understand why they kept screaming, “shut up Edgar,” at him. Few are aware that the poem To My Brother George was first titled To My Brother Lionel, but the editors decided that this might not be quite appropriate.

Its ships, its rocks, its caves, its hopes, its fears,—
Its voice mysterious, which whoso hears

Hey-- I'm Talkin' to You!

Tonto was trying to follow the advice of his marketing people, in regards to the promotion of my new novel. I had been advised to not appear too snooty, yet not too low-class either. I was to find some middle ground. I wasn’t too keen on this idea though, since there is no middle ground with Tonto. It was at this time an epiphany occurred and I came upon my most successful discovery. “We should never underestimate the power of the voice.” And by this, I mean—LOUD. It connotes strength and sincerity. So Tonto has procured a megaphone and has started a new campaign which might involve breaking a few eardrums.

Eskimo Gothic

I’m not saying that delivering newspapers in Barrow had its drawbacks, but the time spent between igloos (sometimes days) was potent with afflatus. A novel was brewing in my brain, and was certain that it would be a best seller. That was until my publisher informed me that they couldn’t proceed with “To Kill a Tundra Swan.” Too bad! It was an Eskimo gothic novel involving racial injustice and the destruction of innocence. The narrator, six-year-old Paj, lives with her older brother Amorak and their widowed father Apukeena, a middle-aged seal hunter. Apukeena is appointed by the elders to defend Old Bill Robinson, a trapper who has been accused of raping a young Inuit, Adine. Anyway, I thought it had potential. Can’t figure out why it was turned down.

The Original Vicious Missile of Truth

The Vicious Missile of Truth was actually first invented by Tonto Fielding. I’m thinking about a copyright suit against Charlie Sheen. At first, my plan was to use it to expose the SOCORRO UFO HOAX, but ended up letting Blake Edwards use it in his movie, The Great Race, for a Professor Fate stunt.

The Criminal Mind

It was only a natural jump from the profession of circus barker to writing crime fiction, after Tonto found himself the victim of one of the most heinous crimes one could possibly imagine. I called in all of my markers to get the investigation the attention it deserved. No stone was left unturned as the finest detective minds in my debt unraveled the mystery of who stole my newspaper from the front porch.

Biology is So Much More Interesting to a Teenage Genius

Tonto was placed in advanced college physics classes when I was only thirteen years old, because it was discovered that I had the IQ of a genius. Dr. Funguloid’s lecture on Wave Particle Duality (where it is obvious to any idiot that waves exhibit particle-like properties and particles exhibit wave-like properties), failed to capture my attention. I mean, any dunce could tell you that dribble. No—Tonto’s thoughts were focused on burying my head between sexy graduate assistant, Miss Haversham’s, exquisite, perky breasts. Common’ man…ever hear of hormones.

Victory Through Defeat

There are some defeats more triumphant than victories. I walked away from this wreck after the engine burst into a fireball, exploded, and blew the body of the car high into the air and over the retaining wall. That night, I drew strength from the poetry of the Alliterative Revival School. Stylistic and dialectic, it focuses on repetition of a particular sound in the first syllables of a series of words and/or phrases. I then wrote the poem, Shit.

Shit, shit, shit/ God damn it, shit.

One Journal declared the poem to be the work of a genius.

Coal Miner Legends and History

When I emerged from Mine No 2, in Kentenia, after getting lost for several days in that infernal labyrinth, I was really hungry. For some strange reason, I was craving grubs. It turned out that Chin Ho’s over in Wallins Creek served a delicious stir fry that satisfied my appetite. And this was how I obtained the nickname, “Mole.”

Danger! Danger!

Honda had problems when developing ASIMO, the humanoid robot. They were confronted with extremely difficult challenges in mobility, where ASIMO would need to be able to maneuver between objects in a room and be able to go up and down stairs. They looked to Tonto for answers. For years I had been working on developing a man Friday for my buddy, Harold Jaffe. Things were proceeding to development standards, until Harold snapped and started to believe that he was an evil genius named Admiral Abomination. Despite this set back, Honda still needed my blueprints, which were the key to autonomous interaction with humans.

Blood Lust

The infamous vampire of Gramercy Park was in hot pursuit of his next victim, when the onlookers could only watch the chase as Baldovino shouted, “Hey you slow down!” The problem for Baldovino was that he had never tasted human blood on the account of having been turned when he was 92.

Nothing Changes but the Players

Little known fact: the very first radio broadcast was made by Charlie Turtlewax, South Dakota representative of the waning Great Plains populist movement. Faced with shrinking support Charlie believed that this new technology was suited for transmitting his adverse criticism and reprobation to the far away coasts and big cities, where they received this historic message—“'Now that I have your lazy f***ing attention world, sit back and rejoice. For the Black Hills Messiah, the Condor of Calabasas, the f***ing warlock of the jealous face that is before you, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. We’re different, we have a different constitution, we have a different brain, we have a different heart. We got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs, man. It's perfect. It's awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary. People say it's lonely at the top of the map, but we sure like the view."

This only goes to show, that the game never changes, only the players.

As Safe as Houses

Omar Khadafi’s female bodyguard unit is really not new or unusual. Tonto had the unique assignment several years ago of putting together an elite commando unit to safeguard HRH Prince Carl Philip of Sweden, otherwise known as the Duke of Värmland. With my vast amount training from the time I had served as a mercenary in the Falklands, along with the fact that at one time having served as an unofficial liaison between Sweden’s top modeling agencies and several famous professional athletes (all done with complete discretion), hooking Phil up with “protection” was a drop in the hat, so to speak.

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Tonto recently gave testimony at a parole hearing for Solomon Barsad, concerning the unconscionable umbrage he produced in our community when he and his partner, Joe (the fat boy) Jeddler, were unmasked for the heinous crime of rigging the annual Halloween Costume competition. I knew something was afoul when a Charles II costume had been awarded the Blue Ribbon. The color orange is usually frowned upon by judges when considering Restoration attire. They tend to favor deep-toned velvet and satin in red, blue, yellow and green. My testimony, I hope was helpful in this matter. If he ever gets out, though, he better stay clear of these parts. A cauldron of hot tar and a bag of feathers wait.

Patronage

At a very early age the Koch brothers learned to contribute to causes and organizations that opposed those they believed caused them intense aggravation and don’t share their views. The Our Gang talent scouts were conducting large-scale national contests, where thousands of children (often at the behest of their parents) tried out for an open role. The Koch brothers believed that they had wowed the scouts with an interpretation of a scene from The Mandrake by Niccolo Machiavelli. These contests had brought in the likes of Norman "Chubby" Chaney, Matthew "Stymie" Beard, and Billie "Buckwheat" Thomas. The actor who ended up getting the part was Robert "Wheezer" Hutchins, who perished in a military plane crash at age 19. The Koch brothers went on to build a business empire based on oil refining that became the largest privately owned company in America, in spite of the allegation that the company has been taking oil from federal and Indian land.