tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22840903274415218752024-03-14T00:31:08.634-07:00Hillbilly VampireTonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.comBlogger217125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-52889409084890418992019-03-05T11:48:00.002-08:002019-03-05T11:48:33.393-08:00Marat’s Booger.
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Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-34236663097600637522019-02-08T15:22:00.002-08:002019-02-08T15:22:58.688-08:00One of Noam Chimpsky’s fondest memories was the time he was the body double for Bob Dylan in Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid.
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tblJK6M5tE8/XF4PMh3gfBI/AAAAAAAAAug/S2USoqmfKXYYUpeCR5vHoAYsbIxpWahPQCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_pirgdlPiM31v33o9o_640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tblJK6M5tE8/XF4PMh3gfBI/AAAAAAAAAug/S2USoqmfKXYYUpeCR5vHoAYsbIxpWahPQCLcBGAs/s320/tumblr_pirgdlPiM31v33o9o_640.jpg" width="189" height="320" data-original-width="540" data-original-height="914" /></a></div>Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-69610429512619421252019-02-05T12:56:00.002-08:002019-02-05T12:56:23.270-08:00There seems to be something off here. I can’t put my finger on it, though.
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Unfortunately, due to the provincialism of Napoleon’s accent, people thought he was saying “Vive la France!”
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eOQYDqQWxjM/XFNUUQQRPvI/AAAAAAAAAto/twjzG4yDlJsdje1w2cf6Eic1c7M-NKRiACLcBGAs/s1600/51054742_2170332563005310_5737254559953190912_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-eOQYDqQWxjM/XFNUUQQRPvI/AAAAAAAAAto/twjzG4yDlJsdje1w2cf6Eic1c7M-NKRiACLcBGAs/s320/51054742_2170332563005310_5737254559953190912_n.jpg" width="251" height="320" data-original-width="465" data-original-height="593" /></a></div>Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-12321851304487828452019-01-31T12:00:00.002-08:002019-01-31T12:00:23.154-08:00Tonto Fielding is turning King John into a rap musical. Packed with rapid-fire lyrics, shooting out at you in a firework range of styles, King John is a thrilling, contemporary, immersive stage presentation that’s a union of story, text, music, image and movement that gets under the skin and into the blood. It speaks profoundly. The characters are thwarted by historical accident and adversity (the rightful heir to the throne), making King John a pragmatic representation of political events. And, as we process our appalling new reality, questions arise: What does this mean for the undocumented? What does this mean for women? What does this mean for people of color? What does this mean for the economy, for the children, for the planet?
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My name has been put in for membership to the secret order of the Mystic Knights of the Ladle. Their motto is - “You cannot make a spoon that is better than a spoon.” I think it was my essay, “Chili is Not Soup,” that earned their attention.
Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-53483361563927245852019-01-31T11:54:00.000-08:002019-01-31T11:54:04.770-08:00OK, I’m changing my band’s name to Drunk Columbo.
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Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-63342364903833864462019-01-31T11:51:00.002-08:002019-01-31T11:51:48.771-08:00Two males size each other up when a new car is introduced to the herd. Will they butt heads? As the old saying goes: “No matter how friendly a car may seem, it should never be trusted. Cars can be very aggressive and have been known to cause serious injuries, even death, to people.”
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The Viverrafaciempiscis species are making their way into the Great Lakes. Experts are intimating the invasion as “rollicking mayhem, lampooning everything from zebra mussels, habitat degradation, fluctuating water levels, algal blooms, chronic wasting disease, lead-poisoned drinking water, endangered species and other problems, as they go.”
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9MSBqQWdTS0/XER7tg_uztI/AAAAAAAAAsc/Oe-Z9sp_RYoemmBfKY3o066fnvKNAgy5gCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_pl6o533kVw1qdj0hbo1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9MSBqQWdTS0/XER7tg_uztI/AAAAAAAAAsc/Oe-Z9sp_RYoemmBfKY3o066fnvKNAgy5gCLcBGAs/s320/tumblr_pl6o533kVw1qdj0hbo1_500.jpg" width="320" height="320" data-original-width="500" data-original-height="500" /></a></div>Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-56468930631120876022019-01-18T08:44:00.002-08:002019-01-18T08:48:58.250-08:00<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DMmfej8fWo8/XEICW_UUKGI/AAAAAAAAAsA/xbyBDh7N3psg-57ZvFvH8Nz3Cu20TupbACLcBGAs/s1600/50263507_2158893124149254_6424826528520994816_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DMmfej8fWo8/XEICW_UUKGI/AAAAAAAAAsA/xbyBDh7N3psg-57ZvFvH8Nz3Cu20TupbACLcBGAs/s320/50263507_2158893124149254_6424826528520994816_n.jpg" width="320" height="240" data-original-width="500" data-original-height="375" /></a>
I am a man of infinite patience. I even formed a chariot race for snails as a boy. That smart-ass cop who wrote me a ticket for jaywalking in a pedestrian crosswalk, fifteen years ago, will some day be getting a spoonful of salt in his coffee. He’ll never see it coming, I assure you.Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-68635131494051682212019-01-18T08:33:00.000-08:002019-01-18T08:33:01.893-08:00<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gV8Mku7dVss/XEH_iXr2M7I/AAAAAAAAArw/OipyULYfli0euUEUwBQH2MSU___VYQJTgCLcBGAs/s1600/tumblr_mqg7yrVQPK1qh6mhbo5_r1_250.gif" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gV8Mku7dVss/XEH_iXr2M7I/AAAAAAAAArw/OipyULYfli0euUEUwBQH2MSU___VYQJTgCLcBGAs/s320/tumblr_mqg7yrVQPK1qh6mhbo5_r1_250.gif" width="260" height="320" data-original-width="245" data-original-height="302" /></a>Tonto Fielding and his writing partner, Persephone Lubitsch, are working on a song called “Lying Shit Weasel Shutdown Bitch Blues.”Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-67373560645279427092012-06-29T08:37:00.000-07:002012-06-29T08:37:08.430-07:00Sign<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1DhlWvc0AIg/T-3LaaR-XGI/AAAAAAAAApE/QmTXI5G0uu8/s1600/429310_317831188253459_1219584994_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="240" width="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1DhlWvc0AIg/T-3LaaR-XGI/AAAAAAAAApE/QmTXI5G0uu8/s320/429310_317831188253459_1219584994_n.jpg" /></a></div>Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-3642205700251004102012-06-17T05:05:00.000-07:002012-06-17T05:06:01.796-07:00How Clown Phobias Start<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-i3VCJU_v4to/T93Hp5c-HDI/AAAAAAAAAo0/_sPe7Pqzxlg/s1600/sugarkrinklesoriginal.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="320" width="261" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-i3VCJU_v4to/T93Hp5c-HDI/AAAAAAAAAo0/_sPe7Pqzxlg/s320/sugarkrinklesoriginal.jpg" /></a>
While getting jacked up on sugar, this face stares back at the child from the kitchen table. This trauma can spill over into daily life, so much so that the child goes to great lengths to avoid numerous situations with any remote possibility of encountering psychotic clowns.
[Post Cereal denies the use of either Classical or Operant Conditioning in its marketing]Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-81488455685526258132012-05-17T04:47:00.000-07:002012-05-17T04:47:43.382-07:00Doomed Obsession.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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On this day in 1959, Nikita Khrushchev (after a trip to the San Fernando Valley) announced his five year plan to become the world’s leading producer of marital aids. The rest is history.Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-16363173149560805112012-04-26T08:27:00.001-07:002012-04-26T08:27:54.236-07:00Venture Capitalism or Applied Cycle-Finding Algorithms<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In a moment of absolute inspiration, Tonto Fielding decided to enter his prize tortoise, Zeno’s Paradox, in this year's Kentucky Derby, He is doing so with total confidence that it will not only advance thoroughbred Testudinidae racing, but will also attract venture capitalists. He can envision a whole new sport that the public will embrace, and a fortune to be made. Tonto, if asked, would also admit that this stunt is also a way for him to demonstrate that movement is impossible to define satisfactorily.Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-38502963737075337862012-03-07T12:17:00.002-08:002012-03-07T12:20:38.028-08:00Amateur Sleuth<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G270eyJ2JSk/T1fClDmPKrI/AAAAAAAAAnI/ycmXEv-W7xg/s1600/images.jpeg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px; height: 183px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-G270eyJ2JSk/T1fClDmPKrI/AAAAAAAAAnI/ycmXEv-W7xg/s320/images.jpeg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5717252193846766258" /></a><br /><br />Once again Tonto Fielding found himself in the service of billionaire, Ewbank Manchip. Tonto had earned a reputation as an amateur sleuth, ever since he famously solved the “who stole the kishke,” case. Manchip was certain that his business and tennis doubles partner, Eduardo Boner, was out to exploit, harm, and deceive him, even though no evidence existed to support this expectation. After an initial inquiry, I assured Manchip that he was being hyper-vigilant for potential threats, and had to explain to him that his suspicious nature would elicit a hostile response from others at the club. People were starting to perceive him as hostile, stubborn, and sarcastic. That was why no one else would partner with him on the courts. He responded by indicating that this only served to confirm his original theory. I had to explain that another billionaire would have no need for stealing one of his slippers. “That ball at the net was Boner’s to take. Yet he let it drop only to spite me,” he said. <br /><br />Tonto then believed that a rational discussion about paranoia was hopeless. He had to solve the crime. It wasn’t really that hard for a master sleuth. I only had to follow the trail, which led to an fiendishly adept thief named Spot.Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-45557159909767202592012-02-24T11:44:00.003-08:002012-02-24T11:46:54.674-08:00Quid Pro Quo<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_VthDepIXE8/T0forxBogpI/AAAAAAAAAm8/I5fQIATTQiw/s1600/Team_people.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 270px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_VthDepIXE8/T0forxBogpI/AAAAAAAAAm8/I5fQIATTQiw/s320/Team_people.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5712790490934968978" /></a><br /><br />Tonto Fielding has a new television reality show that he is pitching to several producers. In it, the members of the cast display an instinctive set of characteristics, not learned through written or spoken words, but instead, simply understood by all members of the group, who must follow these unspoken rules to be accepted and considered normal. Essentially they will interact under a mask of acceptable behavior with regards to the other members of the group with whom they choose to interact, respecting each other’s essential needs, wants, and desires. This will include safety, food, sleep and the emotions of love, pleasure, anger, and fear. The “hook” here, and what will differentiate it from other reality shows, is that the group will look for ways to fill each member’s essential needs. The better someone in the cast is at successfully interacting with others; the more likely he or she will be to have a large portion of their life and behavior influenced by the opinions of his peers. And then at the end of each show, the cast will have five minutes to verbally abuse, spit at, pull hair, punch, and claw each other.Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-29451829040728248492012-02-20T13:34:00.001-08:002012-02-20T13:36:22.756-08:00from- The NASCAR Sonnets<span style="font-style:italic;"></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lmYDhcwuopw/T0K8dxQH7QI/AAAAAAAAAmw/FjD-24zBvUA/s1600/nascar.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 222px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lmYDhcwuopw/T0K8dxQH7QI/AAAAAAAAAmw/FjD-24zBvUA/s320/nascar.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5711334497082404098" /></a><br /><br /><br />Your sheet metal doth th’ impression fill<br />Which sanctioned sponsors stamped upon my bonnet;<br />What cares Tonto for foreign cars,<br />The horse is happy in my carburetor.<br />You are my Daytona,<br />My fruitful Dale,<br />None else to me, nor I to none alive,<br />Can take your place at the pole.<br />In so profound abyss am I lapped,<br />Of others’ voices in the pitstop.<br />To suffer such outlandish abuse in switching lanes<br />Mark with my bumper I do dispense.<br />You are so strongly in my engine block bred,<br />No longer do I mourn, now the flag is raised.Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-58806337670523068382012-02-19T08:42:00.001-08:002012-02-19T11:53:08.792-08:00Flyting<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EuIzbDVpOOo/T0EmhKFO0BI/AAAAAAAAAmk/tc_DojqeNfc/s1600/Edith-Sitwell.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 180px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-EuIzbDVpOOo/T0EmhKFO0BI/AAAAAAAAAmk/tc_DojqeNfc/s320/Edith-Sitwell.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5710888153566334994" /></a><br /><br />Tonto Fielding recently went one on one in a debate with Margaret Witty-Wrong, leader of the Velvet Lizzies Social Club and Family Preservation Society, whose precept was “everything happens for a reason.” <br /><br />I believed that I had won over the audience after making it perfectly clear that we should embrace a view where human spirituality is in a manner consistent with science and postmodern natural philosophy. This is a world view which gains nothing from theism or from atheism, both of which prefer to believe that they already know pretty much everything about the human world and how it works.<br /><br />Witty-Wrong made a strong counter move by explaining to the audience that Tonto Fielding was a moral reprobate who had been banned from thirty six countries due to numerous reasons, including having taken part in several revolutions, smuggling, and several news worthy lecherous affairs that had brought down monarchies.<br /><br />A deft move on her part, indeed. <br /><br />But I threw her curveball that she was never able to recover from. I countered with the old Existentialism argument (centered upon the analysis of existence and of the way humans find themselves existing in the world). I explained how choices become unique without the necessity of any objective form of truth. This is a strategy Tonto will resort to, simply because I like to win arguments.<br /><br />I could only smile, because I had won the point by using two completely opposing philosophies. Poor Margaret was so steamed by this time, she cried “Foul,” and threw her cup of tea in my face..<br /><br />Finally, the issue of whether small dogs and large dogs should be permitted to commingle in the newly proposed Dog Park, was voted on by the council.Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2284090327441521875.post-61445396728045189852012-02-14T12:03:00.001-08:002012-02-14T12:04:35.722-08:00Cherubim<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SmbmCEGf0Q8/Tzq-GWGUWQI/AAAAAAAAAmY/gBH2FZP0t0U/s1600/cherubsraphaellg.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 222px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-SmbmCEGf0Q8/Tzq-GWGUWQI/AAAAAAAAAmY/gBH2FZP0t0U/s320/cherubsraphaellg.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5709084493866096898" /></a><br /><br />"God, I am so bored."<br />"What do you mean bored?"<br />"Christ. Can you believe these two?"<br />“Eh. Give it a chance. That’s what I always say.”<br />“Could he be more clueless?”<br />“Dense as a mud brick. That’s what I always say.”<br />“New guy says he wants to paint us.”<br />“Again? Can’t they think of something else to paint?”<br />“It is getting pretty old.”<br />“Ain’t that the truth.”<br />“Yet I hear this one has some talent.”<br />“We’ll see.”<br />“Want to get a drink after this?”<br />“Life is death if you don’t have a little drink every now and then.”<br />“Hey, that’s my line.”<br />“Oh yeah. Sorry.”Tonto Fieldinghttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03665981112806491172noreply@blogger.com0