Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Is the bush making a comeback?—and—Is shaving and trimming dead?
Sisters, as many of you know, I have been an advocate for nature; and the time when the big bush ruled and the Mohawk landing strip was a new concept.
At first, the more famous actresses in my favorite videos began to trim. The hair would be shortened, but not removed or shaped. Next came the triangle, where hair was removed from the sides (or waxed) so pubes could not be seen while wearing swimwear. Then came the landing strip (the preferred style in the industry), where the hair was removed from the sides to form a long centered vertical rectangle, hair length about a quarter of an inch.
Of course there have been various variations.
--Toothbrush Mustache: a shorter, square version of the landing strip.
--Brazilian Wax/G-Wax: pubic hair completely removed except for a very thin remnant, centered, narrow stripe above the vulva approximately an inch in height.
--Full-Brazilian/Hollywood/Bare/Bald Beaver: pubic hair completely removed.
--Fauxhawk: hair is styled in Mohawk fashion without shaving the hair.
--Mohawk: shaving the hair on the left and right, leaving the middle to be spiked.
--Dyed hair: coloring pubic hair to match hair on the head or to give it a unique look.
--The Butch/The Bull: trimming all the hair very short except for a small perpetual long patch resembling a popular hairstyle among lesbian women.
There are also the V-shaped, heart-shaped, arrow, initials, etc.
The modification of one’s bush can also be considered a statement about one's style or personal lifestyle as can leaving it unmodified. So girls please consider what nature has given you. Remember a time when porn had erotic elements and all this Gonzo crap was only the warped dream of some Hollywood schmuck producer.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Recently it was leaked, that our government has for years been running death squads in Afghanistan which search out their target and kill them with little or no attempt at capture. Upon hearing this, some of the local hillbillies in southern Ohio got jealous and started a hunt club to track down some of those Taliban here in our woods. When told that there were no Taliban in these parts, they put out a statement, saying that it was their belief that it is well known that Afghans and terrorists and what not, all like to train and hang out in areas located in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere. So there has to be a whole bunch of them here’s about.
So if you see a group of camouflaged and neon orange adorned, gun toting, Rambo loving peckers, rooting’ through your property--don’t worry, they're just your neighbors out keeping America and Liberty safe.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Word-of-mouth gossip, which encompasses a variety of subcategories, including buzz, shit-gone-viral , grassroots, and what not, work with good books like “The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles,” and can be highly valued by writers like me.
Because of the personal nature of the communications between individuals, it is believed that product information communicated in this way has an added layer of credibility.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I know that my family was butt ugly. But that comes with the territory of being possum and all. But when I look back upon it all, I realize that if the trailer hadn't exploded, I still woulda' been raised by some butt ugly parents.
It's a wonder where I got my looks from?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Thank you reader for this interesting photo of potential Killer Whale Attack. It's not quite my cup of tea, though, of course unless it was biting the head off of a Bigfoot monster. I was thinking more in terms of a Nanook blood bath as only Frank Zappa could conceive of, in perhaps a ballad.
Monday, July 12, 2010
It is a 230 page (ebook) Fiction: comedy (adult humor)
Gideon Chickenstalker is a 400-pound vampire from the hills of southern Ohio. He may be the most inept vampire in history. The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles is filled with some of saddest people you will ever meet in fiction, yet their earnest attempts to navigate daily life teeter on the edge of bizarre hilarity. These forgotten populations of uneducated folk scull the parlous straits between comedy and calamity with only the devil to pay.
A Star Trek geek taken to having sex with cantaloupes, Gideon finds companionship with Esther Gradgrind, a meth-addicted ex-stripper, only to have his life forever altered when he is turned into a vampire. Being so out of shape, he finds himself unable to hunt down even one human. Along with her washed-up bodybuilder boyfriend, Amos Pecksniff, Esther helps Gideon with his ultimate goal of tasting real human blood, all the while ending up in a life of crime that would make Bonnie and Clyde deny their profession.
The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles offers the ludicrous arising out of the improbable—
Available soon on:
o Amazon’s Kindle
o Stanza for iPad
o Google Editions (eBooks)
o Palm Reader
o Fictionwiseo BooksonBoardo Powells.com o Blish.com
o Fictionwise.como Booksonboard.com o eBooksAboutEverything.como More to come…
Bigfoot was seen entering local Speedway on Richland Ave. to purchase a tin of Skoal. Witnesses said he winked at a couple of coeds and tried to pinch the ass of one Clemency Magwitch. According to Clemency, “He was all, like, are you kidding me, who do you think you are? He didn’t even buy us any beer.” The attendant reported that Bigfoot pulled a wallet out from somewhere in all that hair and paid in cash. He didn’t even wait for the change when he spotted the two coeds in the store. “One o’ those girls slapped the big thing in the face and the thing let out a horrifying laugh, or howl, or something,” Fester Hammock said.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I was raised by a pack of possum, after propane tank explosion destroyed the trailer of my human parents.
My hobbies include licking the backs of certain toads, bullfighting, observing and chronicling the nervous ticks of other people (sometimes I can't help but laugh, excuse me).
I love Polka Punk, if that exists. If it doesn't, it should.
And I love picture books that show Killer Whales going to town on a hapless eskimo in his kayak. If you know where I can get one, let me know.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Hillbillies like: Armed stand-offs, after nearly overdosing on a mixture of booze, prescription medicine, and cable television.
Vampires like: Late night cable television after a satisfying blood draining.
Hillbillies like: Overalls and checkered shirts.
Vampires like: Checkered pasts.
Hillbillies like: Weddings and funerals.
Vampires like: Weddings, cause it’s time to feast when everybody passes out.
Hillbillies think: Fly-swatters are for entertainment.
Vampires think: Flies are for Hillbilly Vampires.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Amos gets lost in jail house fantasy that includes Esther and Lindsay Lohan. “Now, if I were a fly on the wall,” Amos thought to himself. Poor Amos never kept his thoughts to himself, though. Whenever Esther would return home from a stint in jail, Amos would pepper her about any possible lesbian encounters. This, more times than not, resulted in him receiving a black eye or a night sleeping out in the dog house. And when I say dog house, I mean that box with the chain on it out in the yard.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The renovation kept Amos busy for a time, while Esther continued to smoke her meth. Pacing the length of the trailer, she would peek out through the sheets they had hung as curtains. Certain that the midget clowns were peering at her from the woods, the paranoia inundated her.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Gideon’s Dream as related to me:
Cunningly packaged to pass as a genuine Folk belief, the vampire soon found his way into the tales and talk that were heard around the farmer’s market and Court Street bars. Like a virus that infects a cell and turns it against itself, the four hundred pound vampire invaded the common folk’s hearts and persuaded them to focus their fears on one another.
Monday, July 5, 2010
At sixteen Esther started her life in show business at an upscale gentleman’s club in Columbus Ohio, on account of her looks and the fact that she looked fourteen years old. She wanted to take the name Savannah, but after much debate they decide on Daisy, because her mother Mimmie had loved the TV show The Dukes of Hazzard so much. Esther didn’t stick around for all the after-hours activities going on in the parking lot at first, because she and Mimmie had to drive back to Athens. After awhile she started to consider what having all that money would be like. She was working for a couple of hundred dollars a night, while the other girls were going home with thousands. It was Detective Harry Pinch who introduced Esther to the world of drugs. It began with cocaine. Eventually Esther’s looks started to fade because of her addiction. Esther had dropped out of school, her Leader of Tomorrow ambition having gone up her nose. She ended up in a strip club way out in the sticks, working the stage with a fat fifty-year-old woman, Big Lou, who had only one tit.
Gideon Chickenstalker is a 400-pound vampire from the hills of southern Ohio. He may be the most inept vampire in history. A Star Trek geek taken to having sex with cantaloupes, Gideon finds companionship with Esther Gradgrind, a meth-addicted ex-stripper, only to have his life forever altered when he is turned into a vampire. Being so out of shape, he finds himself unable to hunt down even one human. Along with her washed-up bodybuilder boyfriend, Amos Pecksniff, Esther helps Gideon with his ultimate goal of tasting real human blood, all the while ending up in a life of crime that would make Bonnie and Clyde deny their profession.
The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles is filled with some of saddest people you will ever meet in fiction, yet their earnest attempts to navigate daily life teeter on the edge of bizarre hilarity. Fielding's novel brings to life the story of Appalachia’s drug abusers, perverts, and a cast of characters that would make Carl Hiasen proud. These forgotten populations of uneducated folk scull the parlous straits between comedy and calamity with only the devil to pay.