The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles 2
The Peasnap Uprising
by Tonto Fielding © 2010. All rights reserved.
The Bilderback Family Farm had become his new favorite smorgasbord, especially when he was in the mood for lamb. The Bilderback’s raised the finest animals in all of the state, with bloodlines of the finest merit and fed only the best hormone-free grains and whatever else it is they feed livestock.
Of course, Gideon thought that he also was the only vampire in the county. Winnie, the head of the COUNCIL that was killed by the Gideon’s troupe, led him to believe this. But then, Winnie had no idea of Mealy Peasnap’s existence. Hence, Gideon was unaware of what awaited him at the Bilderback Family Farm, when he started out on one of his midnight rambles.
Feuding is a part of any hillbilly’s DNA. They just can’t help it. Most folk-lore would have you think that it is cultural. But genes never lie. Mealy’s family most likely had passed onto him the Von Hipple-Lindau disease, which deposits a small orange adrenal gland atop each kidney that makes adrenalin and tiny little buggers called catecholamines. They cause high blood pressure, pounding headaches, heart palpitations, facial flushing, nausea and vomiting. It can also lead to “hair trigger” rage and violent outbursts.
This little hillbilly secret has led many a family on the West Virginia/Kentucky border to have feuds lasting back to the civil war: fighting over land and timber rights, hidden stills and meth labs. Just ask the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s—a dispute over the ownership of a pig in 1878 is still in question, though nobody talks about it, at least openly.
Even though Mealy Peasnap had never met Gideon Chickenstalker, or even knew who he was, he had concocted a storied history of hatred and vengeance toward the nemesis in his imagination. Unfortunately for him though, he couldn’t just ambush the intruding vampire (stab him twenty-six times, then shoot him in the back) like the McCoy’s did to poor Ellison Hatfield back in 1882. A vampire can not perish that easily and Mealy knew this. He would have to be clever and make it clear to the new kid on the block, that there wasn’t enough room for two vampires in these parts.
Gideon was lost in thought when he entered the Bilderback barn. Back when the COUNCIL of vampires attacked the trailer, they employed the same tactics as the Klingons. I thought that they would. This is how we were able to mount a successful defense. Yet this disturbs me. If I’m a vampire, then does this mean that I also will develop Klingon inclinations?
God, I hope not! I must make a mental note to be the first vampire with Federation tendencies. Although, if I start feeding on humans, does this not violate the prime directive: Starfleet’s General Order #1, that there can be no interference with the internal affairs of other civilizations? But this only applies to civilizations that have not yet developed the technology for space travel. Now, we did put a man on the moon. Surely this should qualify. But wait! I think the directive actually applies to those civilizations that are incapable of interstellar space flight. Damn it—I really enjoyed feeding on human blood that one time.
“Ah Ha!” Mealy squealed, as he appeared from behind a bale of hay.
The foreign voice scared Gideon and he stopped short. He turned around to see who or what it was. Being lost in thought, as he was, it took a moment to gain his bearings.
Mealy walked into view.
“So! My nemesis finally decides to show himself.”
“What? Who are you?” Gideon said.
“As if--you didn’t know. Thought you could just saunter into my barn and help yourself to all the blood you want, is that right?”
“You own this barn? Listen, I can explain—I thought my cat had strayed in her and—”
“You can stop right there. I’m not the owner. But I think you know who I really am,” Mealy said.
“I’m sorry but I really don’t,” Gideon answered.
“Ha! That’s a good one. OK, if you want to play it that way, it’s fine with me. So, I’ll just spell it out for you. This is my territory. See! And these animals here are mine to feed on, partner. You may as well find some other county to move to. Athens is old Mealy’s turf. So stay away,” he said.
“Did you say feed?”
“That’s right! I live off their blood.”
“Which would make you a--”
“Vampire! That’s right,” Mealy said.
“Wow—I didn’t know about you. I swear! The COUNCIL never told me about you. I thought I was the only vampire in the county,” Gideon explained.
“You mean you ain’t one of them?” Mealy retorted.
“Hell—they recently tried to kill me. They sent a whole group of them there city vampires down here to kill me and my two friends, but it was us that killed them in the end”
“So why are you feeding on animals then, if you don’t have to fear the COUNCIL anymore?”
“It’s a long story, but you can probably guess by my size that it’s really hard for me to hunt down humans.”
“Ah—that would make sense. You are pretty large there.”
“In fact, I only tasted human blood for the first time not too long ago. But I have a friend who is a vampire in Columbus. She is going to teach me about killing humans. But until then, I’m still feeding on barn animals,” Gideon said.
“Alright, I’ll take your word on that for the mean time.”
“So who are you, and why do you feed on animals also?”
“I can kill humans anytime I want, but I prefer to live off these critters, cause
I’ve been keeping a low profile,” Mealy said.
Mealy told Gideon about his upbringing in West Virginia and how he happened to end up in Athens County.
Gideon started to feel better about himself, as the conversation unfolded. Gideon had previously fallen for the rhetoric of Winnie, the head of the COUNCIL, who had referred to him many times as a hillbilly. But Mealy was the real deal. This guy could easily have been related to the previous tenants of Gideon’s trailer, who had moved out when they came into, what was a fortune for them, by winning fifty dollars in the Rolling Cash lottery payout.
Gideon told Mealy about his past also, along with an explanation of the friendship with his two mortal friends, Esther and Amos. In the end, Mealy’s showdown ended up becoming the start of a new friendship. Or at least he thought so at the time. They had so much in common that the night just flew past.
When Morfin Bilderback came to milk the cows early in the morning, Gideon and Mealy had to surreptitiously retreat from the barn. They had lost track of time.
“Listen, why don’t you come back to my trailer? Didn’t you say you were living way out in the woods or something like that?” Gideon said.
“Yeah, I did. I actually feel more comfortable out in the woods, surrounded by nature. But, sure, I’ll stop by for a visit. This Esther, I mean Ginger, sounds kinda interesting,” Mealy said. “I wouldn’t mind meeting her.”
“Oh, you’ll love her. She’s quite a character. But I have to warn you, that Amos can be the jealous type,” Gideon said.
“So tell me about this vampire friend of yours—the Mistress of Eternity. You say that men pay her to lash them with leather straps?” Mealy inquired as they headed back Gideon’s abode.
“Golly! Is that the God’s honest truth?”