Sign

How Clown Phobias Start

While getting jacked up on sugar, this face stares back at the child from the kitchen table. This trauma can spill over into daily life, so much so that the child goes to great lengths to avoid numerous situations with any remote possibility of encountering psychotic clowns. [Post Cereal denies the use of either Classical or Operant Conditioning in its marketing]

Doomed Obsession.

On this day in 1959, Nikita Khrushchev (after a trip to the San Fernando Valley) announced his five year plan to become the world’s leading producer of marital aids. The rest is history.

Venture Capitalism or Applied Cycle-Finding Algorithms

In a moment of absolute inspiration, Tonto Fielding decided to enter his prize tortoise, Zeno’s Paradox, in this year's Kentucky Derby, He is doing so with total confidence that it will not only advance thoroughbred Testudinidae racing, but will also attract venture capitalists. He can envision a whole new sport that the public will embrace, and a fortune to be made. Tonto, if asked, would also admit that this stunt is also a way for him to demonstrate that movement is impossible to define satisfactorily.

Amateur Sleuth

Once again Tonto Fielding found himself in the service of billionaire, Ewbank Manchip. Tonto had earned a reputation as an amateur sleuth, ever since he famously solved the “who stole the kishke,” case. Manchip was certain that his business and tennis doubles partner, Eduardo Boner, was out to exploit, harm, and deceive him, even though no evidence existed to support this expectation. After an initial inquiry, I assured Manchip that he was being hyper-vigilant for potential threats, and had to explain to him that his suspicious nature would elicit a hostile response from others at the club. People were starting to perceive him as hostile, stubborn, and sarcastic. That was why no one else would partner with him on the courts. He responded by indicating that this only served to confirm his original theory. I had to explain that another billionaire would have no need for stealing one of his slippers. “That ball at the net was Boner’s to take. Yet he let it drop only to spite me,” he said.

Tonto then believed that a rational discussion about paranoia was hopeless. He had to solve the crime. It wasn’t really that hard for a master sleuth. I only had to follow the trail, which led to an fiendishly adept thief named Spot.

Quid Pro Quo

Tonto Fielding has a new television reality show that he is pitching to several producers. In it, the members of the cast display an instinctive set of characteristics, not learned through written or spoken words, but instead, simply understood by all members of the group, who must follow these unspoken rules to be accepted and considered normal. Essentially they will interact under a mask of acceptable behavior with regards to the other members of the group with whom they choose to interact, respecting each other’s essential needs, wants, and desires. This will include safety, food, sleep and the emotions of love, pleasure, anger, and fear. The “hook” here, and what will differentiate it from other reality shows, is that the group will look for ways to fill each member’s essential needs. The better someone in the cast is at successfully interacting with others; the more likely he or she will be to have a large portion of their life and behavior influenced by the opinions of his peers. And then at the end of each show, the cast will have five minutes to verbally abuse, spit at, pull hair, punch, and claw each other.

from- The NASCAR Sonnets

Your sheet metal doth th’ impression fill
Which sanctioned sponsors stamped upon my bonnet;
What cares Tonto for foreign cars,
The horse is happy in my carburetor.
You are my Daytona,
My fruitful Dale,
None else to me, nor I to none alive,
Can take your place at the pole.
In so profound abyss am I lapped,
Of others’ voices in the pitstop.
To suffer such outlandish abuse in switching lanes
Mark with my bumper I do dispense.
You are so strongly in my engine block bred,
No longer do I mourn, now the flag is raised.

Flyting

Tonto Fielding recently went one on one in a debate with Margaret Witty-Wrong, leader of the Velvet Lizzies Social Club and Family Preservation Society, whose precept was “everything happens for a reason.”

I believed that I had won over the audience after making it perfectly clear that we should embrace a view where human spirituality is in a manner consistent with science and postmodern natural philosophy. This is a world view which gains nothing from theism or from atheism, both of which prefer to believe that they already know pretty much everything about the human world and how it works.

Witty-Wrong made a strong counter move by explaining to the audience that Tonto Fielding was a moral reprobate who had been banned from thirty six countries due to numerous reasons, including having taken part in several revolutions, smuggling, and several news worthy lecherous affairs that had brought down monarchies.

A deft move on her part, indeed.

But I threw her curveball that she was never able to recover from. I countered with the old Existentialism argument (centered upon the analysis of existence and of the way humans find themselves existing in the world). I explained how choices become unique without the necessity of any objective form of truth. This is a strategy Tonto will resort to, simply because I like to win arguments.

I could only smile, because I had won the point by using two completely opposing philosophies. Poor Margaret was so steamed by this time, she cried “Foul,” and threw her cup of tea in my face..

Finally, the issue of whether small dogs and large dogs should be permitted to commingle in the newly proposed Dog Park, was voted on by the council.

Cherubim

"God, I am so bored."
"What do you mean bored?"
"Christ. Can you believe these two?"
“Eh. Give it a chance. That’s what I always say.”
“Could he be more clueless?”
“Dense as a mud brick. That’s what I always say.”
“New guy says he wants to paint us.”
“Again? Can’t they think of something else to paint?”
“It is getting pretty old.”
“Ain’t that the truth.”
“Yet I hear this one has some talent.”
“We’ll see.”
“Want to get a drink after this?”
“Life is death if you don’t have a little drink every now and then.”
“Hey, that’s my line.”
“Oh yeah. Sorry.”

The Power of Color

Tonto Fielding’s contribution to painting is a story that Art Historians refuse to recognize. But, any guerilla artist will tell you that art encompasses so much more than what hangs in museums.

Tonto spent years working on perfecting the art of mixing colors. I drew my inspiration from the journals of Vincent Van Gogh, who wrote, "It is impossible to say, for instance, how many green-grays there are; there is an endless variety. But the whole chemistry of colors is not more complicated than those few simple rules. And having a clear notion of this is worth more than 70 different colors of paint -- because with those three principal colors and black and white, one can make more than 70 tones and varieties. The colorist is the person who knows at once how to analyze a color, when it sees it in nature, and can say, for instance: that green-grey is yellow with black and blue, etc. In other words, someone who knows how to find the grays of nature on their palette.”

Finally, I came up with the perfect combination of pigments for my signature color of paint. Now, the walls of every hospital in the world are covered with the “Fielding Shade” of green.

Flashing the House Lights

When Igor Stravinsky's ballet, “The Rite of Spring,” premiered on May 29, 1913, at the Théatre des Champs-Elysées in Paris, Tonto Fielding’s grandfather (Hieronymus Fielding) was more shocked than the audience, which responded to the performance with a din of hisses and catcalls.

Vaslav Nijinsky's shocking choreography was obviously stolen from Fielding’s ballet, The Professor’s Maid, that tells the story of Ludvig Bager Nissen Kragballe and his maid, Misse Jørgensen, who is celebrated for her award winning sauerkraut and sausage recipes. The ballet had already earned a reputation for being physically unnatural to perform. This was one of Fielding’s hallmarks.

As for the music, Fielding’s masterpiece, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern at Le Chabanais, had already premiered with a musical theme without a melody, and only one loud, pulsating, dissonant chord with jarring, irregular accents.
Hieronymus Fielding fought Stravinsky in the courts for years, but was never compensated. He did though have the last laugh, when he called in a marker and had Stravinsky and Nijinsky banned from the famous French Brothel, the subject of his not so famous ballet score.

Running Would Be a Good Idea!

All great men in history, it seems, have their nemesis. Tonto Fielding is no different. His is J. P. Zoomers-Vermeer, garden-variety author of the “Name of the Cabbage” Fantasy series (the saga of the magical hamster, Welbore, who dares to challenge destiny).

Zoomers-Vermeer claims that he has developed the world’s most elaborate and best trained Flea Circus in modern history. What some of you may not be aware of, is that I had a Flea Circus Exhibit at Expo 67 (World Fair) in Montreal. Z. V. is even threatening to enter the circus on the upcoming season of America’s Got Talent.

Well Tonto is not going to take this lying down. I am currently training the Weightlifting Champion Ant, Vasily, in the art of total destruction, and plan to unleash Vasily on the circus, in order to go Godzilla on their asses, during taping of the program.

Commedia dell'arte

It is generally accepted these days that all men are created equal. Tonto would add that there are two exceptions to this premise: geniuses and idiots. A wise minister once told me that first God made idiots. This was for practice. He then created politicians.

The Fielding family tree found one of these giants swinging by a branch, like a psychotic Gibbon: Arlecchino Fielding. He was so unextraordinary, he quickly climbed the ranks of the Inquisition in Venice, focusing on heretical literature (ironic, when you realize that Tonto Fielding is related).

What made Arlecchino famous, though, was that commedia dell'arte developed a character based on him, intended as a kind of characteristic representative of his age.

This was because old Arlecchino never lacked for passion. A family trait, for sure, since with it comes insight and can lend intelligence to simpletons, fools and idiots.

The Siege

One of the family stories, told at every Fielding family reunion, involves Sir Archamboud-on-Fielding, one of the more flamboyant members on the family tree. It was during the dark years of Kings and dragons. Hearing that there was a young maiden held prisoner in the tower of his rival, Lord Doolin of Panting Castle, he undertook a siege to rescue her.

At first, he set up a long-term encampment at a safe distance from the castle's long-range catapults and crossbows. Sir Tonto then used his own heavy weapons such as battering rams, catapults, trebuchets and towers to breach the walls. But this was all a diversion. His master plan was to come from underneath. Miners found a weak point in the castle's wall, and tunneled under the foundation. They were then able to first take the gatehouse, then the castle's bailey, followed by its towers and the keep. With the hand-to-hand combat that followed, heavy losses were suffered on both sides.

When the men presented the rescued prize to their lord, Sir Archamboud-on-Fielding, known to his closest circle as Archie-on-Wenches, he discovered that she was so ugly that even his favorite hound hid under the desk.
This is when his forces undertook a second siege, in order to return her. As it turned out, it was all an elaborate rouse. Lord Doolin had let Archamboud win the first battle. The second was a total failure and the Fielding clan has never been able to live this page in history down.

Those damned Doolins still like to rub our noses in it.

Don’t Point that Mustache at Me, it Might Go Off.

It’s funny how things can get all screwed up. Tonto Fielding accidentally sent this photograph to a friend who works for Reuters. It accidentally was deposited in an editors folder for the Asian Bureau. A cub reporter took the photo as an indication that Gandhi was being deified by a growing segment of the youth in India. It then appeared in a Pakistani newspaper, which created an international dust up that escalated to the brink of nuclear war.

As it turns out, the photograph was actually taken by Tonto at a Marx Brothers film festival at Jawaharlal Nehru University, in New Delhi. They are huge Groucho fans there.

Silent Film Revival.

Tonto Fielding was slighted by the Oscar Committee this year when his silent film, “The Treasonist,” was overlooked in favor of “The Artist.”

In fact, it is clear that I started the silent film revival, since I had been raising funds for my film’s production for the past twenty years. Clearly, it was my idea first. The Oscar committee informed me that my little film was turned down, because it had already been rejected at every film festival I had submitted it to, reciting some stupid rule about redundancy.

A young Napoleon Bonaparte, who is also played by Tonto Fielding, is portrayed as a poor and pretentious social climber, who narrowly escapes an adulterous scandal by declaring that it was done in the defense of Julia of Corsica.

Obviously, what was lost on the Academy, was that my portrayal was based on the traditions of abstract mime, where on the surface it appears that there is no central plot or character. This allows the audience to creatively formulate its own idea on the subject. Also lost on them, was the artistic inclusion of performing cows, dancing horses, geese, camels, llama's and happy dogs. This represented that the gossipers were completely without honor, and that everybody is flawed. Goodness does not depend on formal propriety and external sentimentalism, but lies deep within.

I guess I’ll have to go straight to DVD on this one, pending funding.

Slights, Not Forgotten.

Tonto Fielding captured the imagination of the world when he attempted to break the world land speed record on a rocket powered bicycle through Amsterdam’s Vondelpark, during an open air performance of The Winter’s Tale, while declaring through a bullhorn: "Robert Greene is the Upstart Crow!” Several joggers and dog walkers were injured, but I assured everyone, while being dragged off by the kip, that this was not a “stupid” stunt, but in fact a cleverly designed means of evoking complex and multiple associations and thoughts, longings, and moods, amongst the play’s audience.

Bling

Not one to pass up an opportunity, Tonto Fielding jumped on the chance to exploit one. The sanctions on Iran have been putting a strain on the Iranian national economy. He came up with the idea of suggesting to Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader, that the Imperial crown jewels of Iran (also known as the Imperial crown jewels of Persia) include several elaborate crowns and decorative thrones, thirty tiaras, and numerous aigrettes, a dozen bejeweled swords and shields, a vast number of unset precious gems, numerous plates and other dining services cast in precious metals and encrusted with gems, and several other more unusual items, could be used not solely as as a reserve to back Iranian currency, but (with Tonto as broker) could be rented to Rap artists, before they blew all their money from their “one hit.”