The Criminal Mind

It was only a natural jump from the profession of circus barker to writing crime fiction, after Tonto found himself the victim of one of the most heinous crimes one could possibly imagine. I called in all of my markers to get the investigation the attention it deserved. No stone was left unturned as the finest detective minds in my debt unraveled the mystery of who stole my newspaper from the front porch.

Biology is So Much More Interesting to a Teenage Genius

Tonto was placed in advanced college physics classes when I was only thirteen years old, because it was discovered that I had the IQ of a genius. Dr. Funguloid’s lecture on Wave Particle Duality (where it is obvious to any idiot that waves exhibit particle-like properties and particles exhibit wave-like properties), failed to capture my attention. I mean, any dunce could tell you that dribble. No—Tonto’s thoughts were focused on burying my head between sexy graduate assistant, Miss Haversham’s, exquisite, perky breasts. Common’ man…ever hear of hormones.

Victory Through Defeat

There are some defeats more triumphant than victories. I walked away from this wreck after the engine burst into a fireball, exploded, and blew the body of the car high into the air and over the retaining wall. That night, I drew strength from the poetry of the Alliterative Revival School. Stylistic and dialectic, it focuses on repetition of a particular sound in the first syllables of a series of words and/or phrases. I then wrote the poem, Shit.

Shit, shit, shit/ God damn it, shit.

One Journal declared the poem to be the work of a genius.

Coal Miner Legends and History

When I emerged from Mine No 2, in Kentenia, after getting lost for several days in that infernal labyrinth, I was really hungry. For some strange reason, I was craving grubs. It turned out that Chin Ho’s over in Wallins Creek served a delicious stir fry that satisfied my appetite. And this was how I obtained the nickname, “Mole.”

Danger! Danger!

Honda had problems when developing ASIMO, the humanoid robot. They were confronted with extremely difficult challenges in mobility, where ASIMO would need to be able to maneuver between objects in a room and be able to go up and down stairs. They looked to Tonto for answers. For years I had been working on developing a man Friday for my buddy, Harold Jaffe. Things were proceeding to development standards, until Harold snapped and started to believe that he was an evil genius named Admiral Abomination. Despite this set back, Honda still needed my blueprints, which were the key to autonomous interaction with humans.

Blood Lust

The infamous vampire of Gramercy Park was in hot pursuit of his next victim, when the onlookers could only watch the chase as Baldovino shouted, “Hey you slow down!” The problem for Baldovino was that he had never tasted human blood on the account of having been turned when he was 92.

Nothing Changes but the Players

Little known fact: the very first radio broadcast was made by Charlie Turtlewax, South Dakota representative of the waning Great Plains populist movement. Faced with shrinking support Charlie believed that this new technology was suited for transmitting his adverse criticism and reprobation to the far away coasts and big cities, where they received this historic message—“'Now that I have your lazy f***ing attention world, sit back and rejoice. For the Black Hills Messiah, the Condor of Calabasas, the f***ing warlock of the jealous face that is before you, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. We’re different, we have a different constitution, we have a different brain, we have a different heart. We got tiger blood, man. Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs, man. It's perfect. It's awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary. People say it's lonely at the top of the map, but we sure like the view."

This only goes to show, that the game never changes, only the players.

As Safe as Houses

Omar Khadafi’s female bodyguard unit is really not new or unusual. Tonto had the unique assignment several years ago of putting together an elite commando unit to safeguard HRH Prince Carl Philip of Sweden, otherwise known as the Duke of Värmland. With my vast amount training from the time I had served as a mercenary in the Falklands, along with the fact that at one time having served as an unofficial liaison between Sweden’s top modeling agencies and several famous professional athletes (all done with complete discretion), hooking Phil up with “protection” was a drop in the hat, so to speak.

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Tonto recently gave testimony at a parole hearing for Solomon Barsad, concerning the unconscionable umbrage he produced in our community when he and his partner, Joe (the fat boy) Jeddler, were unmasked for the heinous crime of rigging the annual Halloween Costume competition. I knew something was afoul when a Charles II costume had been awarded the Blue Ribbon. The color orange is usually frowned upon by judges when considering Restoration attire. They tend to favor deep-toned velvet and satin in red, blue, yellow and green. My testimony, I hope was helpful in this matter. If he ever gets out, though, he better stay clear of these parts. A cauldron of hot tar and a bag of feathers wait.