Running Would Be a Good Idea!

All great men in history, it seems, have their nemesis. Tonto Fielding is no different. His is J. P. Zoomers-Vermeer, garden-variety author of the “Name of the Cabbage” Fantasy series (the saga of the magical hamster, Welbore, who dares to challenge destiny).

Zoomers-Vermeer claims that he has developed the world’s most elaborate and best trained Flea Circus in modern history. What some of you may not be aware of, is that I had a Flea Circus Exhibit at Expo 67 (World Fair) in Montreal. Z. V. is even threatening to enter the circus on the upcoming season of America’s Got Talent.

Well Tonto is not going to take this lying down. I am currently training the Weightlifting Champion Ant, Vasily, in the art of total destruction, and plan to unleash Vasily on the circus, in order to go Godzilla on their asses, during taping of the program.

Commedia dell'arte

It is generally accepted these days that all men are created equal. Tonto would add that there are two exceptions to this premise: geniuses and idiots. A wise minister once told me that first God made idiots. This was for practice. He then created politicians.

The Fielding family tree found one of these giants swinging by a branch, like a psychotic Gibbon: Arlecchino Fielding. He was so unextraordinary, he quickly climbed the ranks of the Inquisition in Venice, focusing on heretical literature (ironic, when you realize that Tonto Fielding is related).

What made Arlecchino famous, though, was that commedia dell'arte developed a character based on him, intended as a kind of characteristic representative of his age.

This was because old Arlecchino never lacked for passion. A family trait, for sure, since with it comes insight and can lend intelligence to simpletons, fools and idiots.

The Siege

One of the family stories, told at every Fielding family reunion, involves Sir Archamboud-on-Fielding, one of the more flamboyant members on the family tree. It was during the dark years of Kings and dragons. Hearing that there was a young maiden held prisoner in the tower of his rival, Lord Doolin of Panting Castle, he undertook a siege to rescue her.

At first, he set up a long-term encampment at a safe distance from the castle's long-range catapults and crossbows. Sir Tonto then used his own heavy weapons such as battering rams, catapults, trebuchets and towers to breach the walls. But this was all a diversion. His master plan was to come from underneath. Miners found a weak point in the castle's wall, and tunneled under the foundation. They were then able to first take the gatehouse, then the castle's bailey, followed by its towers and the keep. With the hand-to-hand combat that followed, heavy losses were suffered on both sides.

When the men presented the rescued prize to their lord, Sir Archamboud-on-Fielding, known to his closest circle as Archie-on-Wenches, he discovered that she was so ugly that even his favorite hound hid under the desk.
This is when his forces undertook a second siege, in order to return her. As it turned out, it was all an elaborate rouse. Lord Doolin had let Archamboud win the first battle. The second was a total failure and the Fielding clan has never been able to live this page in history down.

Those damned Doolins still like to rub our noses in it.

Don’t Point that Mustache at Me, it Might Go Off.

It’s funny how things can get all screwed up. Tonto Fielding accidentally sent this photograph to a friend who works for Reuters. It accidentally was deposited in an editors folder for the Asian Bureau. A cub reporter took the photo as an indication that Gandhi was being deified by a growing segment of the youth in India. It then appeared in a Pakistani newspaper, which created an international dust up that escalated to the brink of nuclear war.

As it turns out, the photograph was actually taken by Tonto at a Marx Brothers film festival at Jawaharlal Nehru University, in New Delhi. They are huge Groucho fans there.

Silent Film Revival.

Tonto Fielding was slighted by the Oscar Committee this year when his silent film, “The Treasonist,” was overlooked in favor of “The Artist.”

In fact, it is clear that I started the silent film revival, since I had been raising funds for my film’s production for the past twenty years. Clearly, it was my idea first. The Oscar committee informed me that my little film was turned down, because it had already been rejected at every film festival I had submitted it to, reciting some stupid rule about redundancy.

A young Napoleon Bonaparte, who is also played by Tonto Fielding, is portrayed as a poor and pretentious social climber, who narrowly escapes an adulterous scandal by declaring that it was done in the defense of Julia of Corsica.

Obviously, what was lost on the Academy, was that my portrayal was based on the traditions of abstract mime, where on the surface it appears that there is no central plot or character. This allows the audience to creatively formulate its own idea on the subject. Also lost on them, was the artistic inclusion of performing cows, dancing horses, geese, camels, llama's and happy dogs. This represented that the gossipers were completely without honor, and that everybody is flawed. Goodness does not depend on formal propriety and external sentimentalism, but lies deep within.

I guess I’ll have to go straight to DVD on this one, pending funding.

Slights, Not Forgotten.

Tonto Fielding captured the imagination of the world when he attempted to break the world land speed record on a rocket powered bicycle through Amsterdam’s Vondelpark, during an open air performance of The Winter’s Tale, while declaring through a bullhorn: "Robert Greene is the Upstart Crow!” Several joggers and dog walkers were injured, but I assured everyone, while being dragged off by the kip, that this was not a “stupid” stunt, but in fact a cleverly designed means of evoking complex and multiple associations and thoughts, longings, and moods, amongst the play’s audience.

Bling

Not one to pass up an opportunity, Tonto Fielding jumped on the chance to exploit one. The sanctions on Iran have been putting a strain on the Iranian national economy. He came up with the idea of suggesting to Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader, that the Imperial crown jewels of Iran (also known as the Imperial crown jewels of Persia) include several elaborate crowns and decorative thrones, thirty tiaras, and numerous aigrettes, a dozen bejeweled swords and shields, a vast number of unset precious gems, numerous plates and other dining services cast in precious metals and encrusted with gems, and several other more unusual items, could be used not solely as as a reserve to back Iranian currency, but (with Tonto as broker) could be rented to Rap artists, before they blew all their money from their “one hit.”