Don’t Point that Mustache at Me, it Might Go Off.

It’s funny how things can get all screwed up. Tonto Fielding accidentally sent this photograph to a friend who works for Reuters. It accidentally was deposited in an editors folder for the Asian Bureau. A cub reporter took the photo as an indication that Gandhi was being deified by a growing segment of the youth in India. It then appeared in a Pakistani newspaper, which created an international dust up that escalated to the brink of nuclear war.

As it turns out, the photograph was actually taken by Tonto at a Marx Brothers film festival at Jawaharlal Nehru University, in New Delhi. They are huge Groucho fans there.

Silent Film Revival.

Tonto Fielding was slighted by the Oscar Committee this year when his silent film, “The Treasonist,” was overlooked in favor of “The Artist.”

In fact, it is clear that I started the silent film revival, since I had been raising funds for my film’s production for the past twenty years. Clearly, it was my idea first. The Oscar committee informed me that my little film was turned down, because it had already been rejected at every film festival I had submitted it to, reciting some stupid rule about redundancy.

A young Napoleon Bonaparte, who is also played by Tonto Fielding, is portrayed as a poor and pretentious social climber, who narrowly escapes an adulterous scandal by declaring that it was done in the defense of Julia of Corsica.

Obviously, what was lost on the Academy, was that my portrayal was based on the traditions of abstract mime, where on the surface it appears that there is no central plot or character. This allows the audience to creatively formulate its own idea on the subject. Also lost on them, was the artistic inclusion of performing cows, dancing horses, geese, camels, llama's and happy dogs. This represented that the gossipers were completely without honor, and that everybody is flawed. Goodness does not depend on formal propriety and external sentimentalism, but lies deep within.

I guess I’ll have to go straight to DVD on this one, pending funding.

Slights, Not Forgotten.

Tonto Fielding captured the imagination of the world when he attempted to break the world land speed record on a rocket powered bicycle through Amsterdam’s Vondelpark, during an open air performance of The Winter’s Tale, while declaring through a bullhorn: "Robert Greene is the Upstart Crow!” Several joggers and dog walkers were injured, but I assured everyone, while being dragged off by the kip, that this was not a “stupid” stunt, but in fact a cleverly designed means of evoking complex and multiple associations and thoughts, longings, and moods, amongst the play’s audience.

Bling

Not one to pass up an opportunity, Tonto Fielding jumped on the chance to exploit one. The sanctions on Iran have been putting a strain on the Iranian national economy. He came up with the idea of suggesting to Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader, that the Imperial crown jewels of Iran (also known as the Imperial crown jewels of Persia) include several elaborate crowns and decorative thrones, thirty tiaras, and numerous aigrettes, a dozen bejeweled swords and shields, a vast number of unset precious gems, numerous plates and other dining services cast in precious metals and encrusted with gems, and several other more unusual items, could be used not solely as as a reserve to back Iranian currency, but (with Tonto as broker) could be rented to Rap artists, before they blew all their money from their “one hit.”