Patronage

At a very early age the Koch brothers learned to contribute to causes and organizations that opposed those they believed caused them intense aggravation and don’t share their views. The Our Gang talent scouts were conducting large-scale national contests, where thousands of children (often at the behest of their parents) tried out for an open role. The Koch brothers believed that they had wowed the scouts with an interpretation of a scene from The Mandrake by Niccolo Machiavelli. These contests had brought in the likes of Norman "Chubby" Chaney, Matthew "Stymie" Beard, and Billie "Buckwheat" Thomas. The actor who ended up getting the part was Robert "Wheezer" Hutchins, who perished in a military plane crash at age 19. The Koch brothers went on to build a business empire based on oil refining that became the largest privately owned company in America, in spite of the allegation that the company has been taking oil from federal and Indian land.

One of Many Acting Gigs Tonto Has Had Through Out the Years

Under the strict supervision of a medical staff, and with the discipline of a Soto Zen Master, Tonto put on three hundred pounds to play the part of Fat Biker # 3 in the American International film, “The Wild Angels” starring Peter Fonda. Some ask if the toll put on my body was worth it. My answer is always, “YES.” I got my shot at meeting Nancy Sinatra, even though she rebuked my advances and put out a restraining order on me.

Damn Those Volvo's

Poor Alfred Heathfield developed a life long phobia of Volvo’s after an incident in childhood, when his window malfunctioned during a family trip to the Chincoteague National Wildlife Refuge in Assateague Island, Virginia.

Shake Well!

Tonto has been brought in as a Resolution Mediator, by the Egyptian Military. Having built a reputation from when I was considered the premier bartender at the Club Privé in Badrutts Palace, the top members of the Intelligence arm have asked me to determine which the best recipe for a perfect Tom Collins is. After serving up some of my signature cocktails, I asked what was happening in Tahir Square. One of the Generals raised his glass and said, “Some people see, and don't care... others don't see because they don't care... and a small percentage really....ooh, this a good Tom Collins.

Snapshot from Cairo

"Pardon me, but would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?”

Best Rugs, Cheap.

Anderson Cooper has no clue as to what the people are up to in Egypt. CNN should hire me as a consultant. You know…the way they have those retired Generals yapping about Afghanistan. Tonto spent some time peddling knock-off Persian rugs on the streets of Cairo. I truly had my finger on the pulse of the people at that time, and have somewhat of a pretty good sense of what the common man there wants. I must say that the pundits have it all wrong. What the crowds really want, is not necessarily Western style democracy, but just access to the same stuff we have in the West—like decent strip bars, drive-through margarita shops, McDonalds free Wi-Fi, and unscrambled soft porn on cable. That’s it!

To the Streets!

Tonto’s heart goes out to all the people of Egypt rising up against an authoritarian ruler who has been in power too long. I can remember the time I had to stand up for revolution. Dr. Haggage was left in charge of our frozen arctic outpost. The two of us were left by the team to maintain operations, while the others went in search of supplies. The power soon went to the doctor’s head. It became clear after awhile that his reign had to come to an end. As Trotsky said, “If the leaders seek only to preserve themselves, that is what they become; preserves, dried preserves.” So I took to the streets (which happened to consist of a path from the tent to the outhouse) and proclaimed that, “Haggage Must Go!”