Some People Take Things a Bit Too Far

Civil War reenactment Confederates arrested for shooting AP photographer as Union spy.

Classic Literature

Bigfoot--

The Lords of the forest are
the enemies of sweet reason,
the jugglers of eternal isolation,
molders of our lucid quiescence

--Bertram S. Fields (great grandfather of famous novelist, Tonto Fielding)

Chops

Tonto Fielding expanded his acting résumé when playing an extra on an episode of Extras, starring Ricky Gervais. Being fully aware that getting noticed would require the ability to express a variety of emotions without ever uttering a single word, I would follow in the footsteps of my idol Lon Chaney and brought my own makeup kit. Tonto was familiar with what it was like to be an outsider, to be at once a part of the everyday world and simultaneously distanced from it. And this would be the key to the art of acting, the art of continual transformation, which comes from a desire to become someone else, to leave your own skin and enter another’s. Hence I became “Quasimodo eating a sandwich at catering table.” I have been told that I nailed it.

Catch A Rising Star

The rumor mill in Tinsle Town is abuzz with reports that British comedian, Paul Foot, is slated for the role of Pirate #27 in the fifth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise. I, for one, am formulating a camping strategy in order to be first in line for tickets of the premier.

Family Tree

Tonto Fielding has been exploring his family history on one of those ancestry search engines. It has been great fun and I followed my blood line all the way back to Gog Fielding, who lived in a cave about 12 km (7.5 mi) east of Düsseldorf, Germany. He clunked Uh over the head and dragged her back to his lair to start the family. He thought her beard was pretty cute. Before this union, the trail runs dry.

The New #7

Rumors are starting to swirl, that the famous Stage Deli is going to introduce the Tonto Fielding to their menu. The conjecture over what will be in the sandwich has already become a matter of great debate in some of New York’s finest drinking establishments, and has been the cause of several bouts of fisticuffs requiring police intervention. For those of you who are handicapping the outcome, here are several of my favorite foods, if you are wondering what Tonto might put into the sandwich. 1—Saice (which is a Bolivian kind of hash). 2—Imam Bayildi (which is a Turkish eggplant dish). 3--Trinidadian Roti bread would be great for any sandwich. 4-- Alouettes Sans Têtes (which translates as headless larks). Yummy! And I can’t leave out, #5—good old fashion Pork Butt Goulash. Bon Appétit!

An Artist, A True Star

Tonto Fielding’s literary masterpiece has been running into roadblocks. Publishers refuse to accept my work on grounds such as copyright infringement and plagiarism. As a true artist, I refuse to compromise my integrity, and will continue to title the work—Of Mice and Monkeys.