Shake Well!

Tonto has been brought in as a Resolution Mediator, by the Egyptian Military. Having built a reputation from when I was considered the premier bartender at the Club Privé in Badrutts Palace, the top members of the Intelligence arm have asked me to determine which the best recipe for a perfect Tom Collins is. After serving up some of my signature cocktails, I asked what was happening in Tahir Square. One of the Generals raised his glass and said, “Some people see, and don't care... others don't see because they don't care... and a small percentage really....ooh, this a good Tom Collins.

Snapshot from Cairo

"Pardon me, but would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?”

Best Rugs, Cheap.

Anderson Cooper has no clue as to what the people are up to in Egypt. CNN should hire me as a consultant. You know…the way they have those retired Generals yapping about Afghanistan. Tonto spent some time peddling knock-off Persian rugs on the streets of Cairo. I truly had my finger on the pulse of the people at that time, and have somewhat of a pretty good sense of what the common man there wants. I must say that the pundits have it all wrong. What the crowds really want, is not necessarily Western style democracy, but just access to the same stuff we have in the West—like decent strip bars, drive-through margarita shops, McDonalds free Wi-Fi, and unscrambled soft porn on cable. That’s it!

To the Streets!

Tonto’s heart goes out to all the people of Egypt rising up against an authoritarian ruler who has been in power too long. I can remember the time I had to stand up for revolution. Dr. Haggage was left in charge of our frozen arctic outpost. The two of us were left by the team to maintain operations, while the others went in search of supplies. The power soon went to the doctor’s head. It became clear after awhile that his reign had to come to an end. As Trotsky said, “If the leaders seek only to preserve themselves, that is what they become; preserves, dried preserves.” So I took to the streets (which happened to consist of a path from the tent to the outhouse) and proclaimed that, “Haggage Must Go!”

Nothing's New in Theater

The recent phenomenon of multiple performer injuries on the stage, which is plaguing the Broadway production of Spiderman, is not new. Several years ago, the producers of the hit show Stomp, had to halt production of their new show Slam, when numerous members of the cast were sent to ER’s, after mosh pit accidents, during initial rehearsals. Tonto was one of the unfortunate. My left eye socket was broken along with two ribs. Shame too—it would have been a big hit with the kids.

Oh Yeah? Says Who?

Tonto Fielding will be teaching a course this winter at his new on-line University (The Tonto College of Empirical Premises and Political Prescriptions), called “Political Vitriol 101.” The object is to teach the students, through exposure to certain electronic and print media, that specific facts as well as general values can be manipulated in order to reinforce power, success, and dominance of the ideologue. Nothing can help orient the screaming animist better than learning the political symbols that will help him or her to evoke a response from the generally apathetic. Course work covers tactics such as the hijacking of potent words like “democracy,” and “federalism”. By steering political stories, in the media, into perspective, interpreting them according to the tenants of acrimony, students will learn how to assign meaning to the information and indicate the values by which they should be judged.

Going Viral...(More To Come)

Ted Williams, the deep piped media sensation, is a graduate of Tonto Fielding’s School of Media Manipulation and Viral Video Conception. I am deeply pleased with how he put my twelve steps to “contriving zealotism and information theory,” into action. The media stunt of feigning homelessness was right out of the playbook. Good show! He identified his niche, created a theme, and “put the sign on the back of an elephant.” Our motto is, “have a good marriage of solid or innovative product or service with good promotional ideas.” Look for some of our other graduates in the near future. Keep an eye out on YouTube.