Crank It Up!

At a time when guitarists were seeking more volume, Tonto found himself in a race with Jim Marshall to produce an amplifier with the most amperage. Jim came out with the “Marshal Sound,” that Ritchie Blackmore and Pete Townshend made popular. I, on the other hand, developed what I called, the “Fielding Stack,” which was made famous when original guitarist Manfred Lurker of the band, Piano Sandwich, was electrocuted on stage during the Woodstock Festival. This tragic scene obviously was deleted from the documentary film. For a short period, all the hard rockers wanted a “Stack,” but the second unfortunate incident sealed its fate.

Ice Hopping

Tonto has decided to write a letter to IOC President, Jacques Rogge, in order to support and advance his old friend, Nanook’s movement to have Iceberg Jumping added as a sanctioned Olympic sport. The rules are quite simple: Single icebergs must be hopped on with one foot. For the first single iceberg, either foot may be used. Side by side icebergs are straddled, with the left foot landing on the left berg, and the right foot landing on the right berg. It would be considered a DNF if the athlete falls in the water. Of course, I first had to explain to my friend that the rules to ban performance enhancing drugs would also apply to this sport. He finally capitulated on this point.

A, B, C, D, or All the Above.

As the inventor of standardized testing, Tonto is astounded that they are presently being given to students as a way to assess their abilities to analyze and solve problems, understand relationships, and interpret material. My original intention, was for them to be used as a way to substantiate the lower-order thinking of Colonel Erich Arnold von Buggenhaggen’s chimpanzee corps, which he had been touting as being more suited to accomplishing infantry tasks than the average soldier. He claimed that the human soldiers complained too much about shooting, loud noises, and sore backs.

Tradition

Tonto would just like to remind folks on this auspicious holiday that the tradition of begging at the table was also started on the first Thanksgiving Feast.

Eye in the Sky

Tonto doesn’t want to come across as a cheap skate or anything, but rather I would like to recount a story as a way to express my amazement at modern technology. I had dropped a dime on the pavement of the grocery store parking lot. My search was to no avail. But later I went onto Google Satellite Images, put in my coordinates, and sure enough after only a few clicks, I spotted that damn dime. After hitting “Print,” I returned to the store with my treasure map in hand, and wouldn’t you know it—there was that little rascal just where she thought she could hide. And into the change purse she went—scamp!

The Hands of Time

During the age of Voltaire, a select group of master toy makers and clock makers set about designing several automatons that were almost perfect facsimiles of the original. At first they were solely used as sex toys for a number of Russian Czarinas, but through time they had adapted new technologies and with enhanced AI, had blended into society so well that it was virtually impossible to identify any of them. It was only through exhaustive investigative work, that Tonto was able to search out one these marvels. I could instantly tell, when he answered one of my questions, during the interrogation, with a hint of a colloquial dialect from eighteenth century Leipzig. Also it became quite clear that I was correct, when at the stroke of the seventh hour, a door in his chest opened and a small bird emerged chirping seven times.

The World is a Stage

Oh, I was such a fool… to be perceived as nothing but the plain and idiotic numskull, instead of the daring political jester. The fine line between the two, often times, may seem a specter; the William Kemp instead of the Robert Armin. I love fools’ experiments; perhaps that is why I am always making them. So if the distinction is lost, I say play the bumbling, fat, immoral, boastful ass. It is so much more fun, in the end.

Chainsaw Art

My first attempt at chainsaw sculpture drew rave reviews not just from the judges at the Athens County Rib fest and Saw-Off, but from several animal behaviorists, who were in attendance, as well. My piece sparked the supposition that the origins of human language could lie in gestures, not words. They took this intellectual breakthrough back to the University and later postulated that it went beyond simple postures or walking patterns - they are movements of the hand, limbs and feet, specifically directed at another individual. This is when Tonto became a foot note in the annals of Darwinism.

Bigfoot in Literature

Tonto Fielding, literary detective, once again finds arcane clues to Bigfoot in literature.

“Alone!-that worn-out word,
So idly spoken, and so coldly heard;
Yet all that poets sing and grief hath known
Of hopes laid waste, knells in that word ALONE!”—Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton

Growl It!

Tonto remembers all too well how history can repeat itself. I could recount to you the horrifying tales, told to me by my great-great grandfather, about how he barely survived the East Coast/West Coast Coronet Band Wars of the 1890’s--most notably the renowned square off between the Oxford and St. George’s bands. Grandpa explained how many people believed that brass band music was just a glorification of violence. He on the other hand saw how band music was simply showing how horrible and inhumane life was in the new industrialized age. It expressed what was really happening out there. And then it escalated into conflict between West Coast and East Coast “wild” players with balloon lungs. Unfortunately, since only a few years had passed from the gun slinging days of the “wild, wild west,” the fighting became a vicious cycle that left hundreds dead in the streets. Sadly, life went on and many people in our growing country felt there was only one answer to problems like this: retaliation.

What Ever It Takes, They Say

The evangelical stratagem surfacing this year on college campuses across America goes by the anagram FUBARS (Fundamentalists Uniting Blasphemers And Rapture Seekers) for Christ. The impact, so far—undetermined.

Here we have Sissy and Melissa, the chief officers of the Ohio University branch of FUBARS for Christ, just before the stomach pumps.

Bigfoot in Literatue

Tonto Fielding, literary detective, once again finds arcane clues to Bigfoot in literature. “It was food and drink to me to look, and look, and look at that demigod; scanning, searching, noting: the quietness, the reserve, the noble gravity of his countenance; the simple honesty that expressed itself all over him; the sweet unconsciousness of his greatness…” --Mark Twain.

Sayonara Sucker

Since Tonto was already well versed in many crafts, such as carpentry, woodworking, tanning, molding and casting; yet was feeling the need to express myself through the art of sculpture, painting and drawing; it was only a natural step which led me to the ancient art of taxidermy. But first I had to find a worthy adversary for the hunt. This meant that I had no other choice but to find and kill the illusive Ultraseven, who no doubt would be inimical to seizure, yet not impossible since his Ultra Eye had melted after the Magma attack while trying to stop Alien Magma and the Giras brothers. Once I tracked him down to the island of Ostrov Urip, I used the fact that Ultraseven's head could be detached and used as a throwing weapon against him. The projectile was captured in a modified, collapsible and telescoping net (a polygonal tubular frame formed by bending a length of tubular stock so that it forms an opening having a perimeter with angular corners and the ends of the tubular stock meet, now referred to as the Tonto net)). Hence we have this beautiful mount, just before being placed above my fire place.

Stroke of Genius

Unfortunately, Tonto’s idea for his personal aeronautic transportation system, which I dubbed, “Mono-Copter,” did not reinvent the air and space industry as I had expected. Yet it was not a total loss of time, energy, and shear genius, because when I turned on the TV in the middle of a sleepless night, I had my “ah-ha”... moment. I was watching this Australian bloke selling some cheap plastic and Indonesian technology as the greatest invention since the dirigible. It was at this moment that Tonto turned misfortune into opportunity, and the Mono-Copter became the SALAD SHREDDER, for the low, low price of only $19.99.

"Goths are not Vampires," Revealed to Tonto

One time when Tonto went for a Sunday hike through the Jostedalsbreen National Park, in the Sognefjord region of central Norway, he happened upon Varg Folkestad, former lead singer for the Norwegian death metal band, Dark Throne of Gorgoroth. We had a lovely conversation about how he was not now or ever had been a vampire. This was probably perpetuated by the myth that members of the Goth sub-culture who want you to believe that listening to his band, dressing in long black clothing, and being a fan of vampire movies and/or blood would make them full-fledged vampires. In fact Vargy explained that he was no longer a spokesman for atheism, antitheism, paganism and Satanism, but was now providing his fans an alternative religious expression, with what he referred to as, the “Scrolls of the Megilloth.” We parted company and when I returned home, put on one of my favorite records, “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas,” by Mayhem, thinking to myself, “what a putz.”

Honest Tonto, the Candidate

I can remember when I had decided to run for political office. Unfortunately I never made it past the first debate. My adversary caught me off guard when he asked if it was true that (A) I had ever attempted to bug the offices of my opponent at any time, (B) had ever been involved in a political sexual harassment suit,... (C) had ever been an anarchist who attempted to blow up a member of Congress by strapping explosives to my body and then ringing the doorbell, (D) had ever killed a man with blow dart, (E) had ever thrown a sporting event, particularly an Olympic fencing competition in which I had placed a large bet against myself, and (F) had ever been convicted of falsely inflating a company’s revenue and stock price in which I was associated. I was fully aware that the word scandal came from the Greek σκάνδαλον, and that this line of inquiry was nothing more than a metaphor for how improper conduct can impede or "trip" the public’s trust or faith in a candidate. But since I was running on the platform of “Honest Tonto,” I had no other choice but to say “yes” to all the above.

Bond Villain Debate

As Bond Week approached, Tonto found himself in a debate with an acquaintance about who the best Bond Villain was. He insisted that it was Goldfinger. I, on the other hand, was insistent that it was Ian’s stark-staring mad uncle, Old Bill Fleming, whose evil plan was to convince the world that God is a sock.

The King of Rock and Roll

Bail could not come quick enough, after I had been tossed into a Sri Lankan jail for heckling their premier Elvis impersonator, Sanjeewa Gunawarden. Having partaken in several nips of Kasippu, the local hooch, I said something like, “Hey Elvis, you a Malayali, or what?” And then things got a little thorny when someone... mistakenly referred to me as an Australian. I'm only saying--the offense certainly did not warrant the accommodations.

Just a footnote here…to add that it was not all bleakness. The constabulary chef, “one eyed” Dinesh, known to the population simply as, Pete, prepared the Curry exactly as I preferred it: bloody hot and rancid. One thimble’s worth could excommunicate the unsteadfast more effectually than a one month’s fast.

Tonto's Fastball

It was a momentous day when Silas Plummer was in attendance for my pitching debut with the Pocatalico Possums minor league baseball team, As it turned out, Silas was scouting for the High Andes League of Ecuador at the time, and it was after five impressive innings pitched that a decision was made which eventually put ...me in Valle de Guamuez, where I would come face to face with the infamous femme fatale, Bonita Flores. What happened next may some day become a required read in military academies.

Those Bohemian Days

Margaret Thatcher had begged me to destroy the sketches and oils in which she was the model, from back in those eupeptic bohemian days. I can only remember how we would work through the night dosed with coffee, the recurrent illnesses, and how the lack of success, would always remain the central material of our vocatio...n. The real lives behind the story were considerably more sordid than they would ever appear on the canvas. Back then our friendship could never have been more optimistic nor so generous and unselfish. Because of this, I had to decline her request.