Tonto Dabbles in Sonnets

O thou, my lovely midget clowns, who in thy power

Dost hold laughter’s fickle glass, his sickle, hour;

Who hast by paint and grease, and therein show'st

Thy detractors withering as thy sweet self n'er grow'st;

If Nature, sovereign mistress over ring,

As thou amuse us, still will pluck thee back.

Ted the Bogan

Tonto Fielding, having had his fill hearing about how smart African Grey parrots are, decided to do some research on his own. This is when I developed a sign language for kangaroos. Ted, my first subject, signed me during our first experiment, saying “Righto, let’s go approach some girls we don’t know.” I signed back “What?,” since I was not expecting such quick results. He then came back, signing “Tonto, if we’re sitting there at a barbecue, and have got some beer, a girl’s drinking the exact same drink, well then we’ve got something in common just to start up with, yeah?” This is when I realized that our animal brothers are kuta.

A Star is Born

Tonto Fielding is currently lobbying the American Film Institute (AFI) to have the film, The Maid, starring Betty Page and Tempest Storm, to be inserted into their Top 100 list. I’m thinking maybe between #8 (On The Waterfront) and #9 (Shindler’s List).

So far, I have received no response.

Do I Hear Two Million?

Since the only authenticated photograph of Billy the Kid was recently auctioned off for $2.3 million, Tonto Fielding has decided to put a family relic on the block also, in hopes making some quick cash. My great-great-great grandfather, Silas Fielding sketched the last known image of HRH Wilhelm Lustgarden of the Castell-Rudenhausen ducal house, on a cocktail napkin before the duke disappeared on a hunting trip deep into indian territory. Rumor has it that he went native. One of Crazy Horses’ braves, at the Fetterman Massacre, was reported to be wearing a monocle.

I’m starting the bidding at one million.

Bowdlerized

It was made clear to Tonto that my novel would not be allowed into the library system, unless it was “bowdlerized” by a member of the committee, in order to protect the community from the effrontery of any gratuitous sex and inappropriate language. This task fell to Fanny Butcher. When I received my copy of the revised manuscript, I was to find that my masterpiece had been reduced to just two words: “The End.”

Literary Finds

Tonto, after much procrastination, decided to tackle the mounting pile of manuscripts building on my desk like the tower of Babel. It was when I was nearing the bottom that I found the discovery of a lifetime-- a previously unknown work by the the leader of an little known group of poets in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery chwyrndrobwllllanty siliogogogoch, Anglesey, Wales, dedicated to finding the secrets of the universe revealed from images on burnt toast. This treatise could possibly rival Plutarch’s “On the Apparent Face in the Orb of the Moon," and Bishop J. Harwood Mutterer’s “De Vita Beata.”

Case Solved

Tonto has finally discovered where the copies of his novel, The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles, were shipped to.