Today in Environmentalism — The Viverrafaciempiscis species are making their way into the Great Lakes. Experts are intimating the invasion as “rollicking mayhem, lampooning everything from zebra mussels, habitat degradation, fluctuating water levels, algal blooms, chronic wasting disease, lead-poisoned drinking water, endangered species and other problems, as they go.”

Collage, “Better Lay Off The Mescal” by Tonto Fielding.

I am a man of infinite patience. I even formed a chariot race for snails as a boy. That smart-ass cop who wrote me a ticket for jaywalking in a pedestrian crosswalk, fifteen years ago, will some day be getting a spoonful of salt in his coffee. He’ll never see it coming, I assure you.

Tonto Fielding and his writing partner, Persephone Lubitsch, are working on a song called “Lying Shit Weasel Shutdown Bitch Blues.”

Sign

How Clown Phobias Start

While getting jacked up on sugar, this face stares back at the child from the kitchen table. This trauma can spill over into daily life, so much so that the child goes to great lengths to avoid numerous situations with any remote possibility of encountering psychotic clowns. [Post Cereal denies the use of either Classical or Operant Conditioning in its marketing]

Doomed Obsession.

On this day in 1959, Nikita Khrushchev (after a trip to the San Fernando Valley) announced his five year plan to become the world’s leading producer of marital aids. The rest is history.