That's Show Biz Baaaaby!

During a recent meeting, studio executives were bandying names about for the role of Gideon Chickenstalker in a film version of The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles, which is in the development phase. When asked my opinion (as author of the novel), I immediately said—Chris Farley.

Their response was, “He’s dead, dude (they love that term of endearment in Hollywood). What, have you been living in a cave or something?”
I could only speak the truth, and said, “Well, actually I have been living in that cave in Lascaux, Corrèze for awhile. At first I was taking part in an isolation experiment for the Laboratory for Physiological Psychology at the Sorbonne, where Tonto was cut off from communication with other people. After ten years of delusions and loss of reality and personal identity, my thinking became less directed, and was eventually replaced by highly personal fantasies and hallucinations. This was something that turned out to be not that unpleasant. Anyway, my intimate knowledge of the cave came in handy at the end of the experiment and I was hired to do some touch-up work on the Paleolithic cave paintings, for the Werner Herzog documentary, Cave of Forgotten Dreams.”

Their response was something like, “tchea, right!”

Tonto could only respond with a little bit of dactylology. Small minds will never be able to understand the free lance.

Disambiguation

Tonto Fielding’s idea for a fundraiser, when teaching at a school for blind children in Tanzania, had a minor glitch. I thought it might be a cool idea to put together a donkey basketball game, hoping to take in $1,500 for the purchase of a Kurzweil Reader. Unfortunately my man showed up with several rhinoceros instead (something obviously was lost in translation). The result was a catastrophe. The less said the better.

Famous Literary Disputes

One of history’s hushed up literary disputes is in the process of being investigated by Tonto Fielding. At Magdalen College, Oxford, Oscar Wilde openly scorned "manly" sports though he occasionally boxed. It was during this period that Wilde happened to overhear fellow student, John Cawte Beaglehole, disparage Walter Pate’s “Studies in the History of the Renaissance,” which Wilde had claimed, “has had such a strange influence over my life.” What Tonto has uncovered, is that Wilde knocked Beaglehole out with one punch. I have concluded after much research, that in fact it was not a fixed fight, as some have suggested. In retrospect, it has become quite clear throughout boxing history that some of its greatest fighters have all had a propensity for languishing attitudes and showy costumes, a tradition that Wilde clearly originated.

Famous Edgars in History

When Lionel Keats, the minor English poet and seldom recognized brother of John Keats, started hearing the voice of an imaginary friend tell him repeatedly, “I am going to stay here and not go away until you do what I say,” he decided to share this with his parents. They told him, “Whatever else you do, keep telling yourself that the voice comes from a malfunction in your brain and under no circumstances are to do what the voice says.” This was sage advice, because Lionel’s evil mutant twin, Edgar, kept trying to convince him to kill the future major romantic poet. Sadly Lionel never questioned why mirrors had been banned from the family home. Having knowledge of the true nature this strange voice would have made life so much simpler for him. He never could understand why they kept screaming, “shut up Edgar,” at him. Few are aware that the poem To My Brother George was first titled To My Brother Lionel, but the editors decided that this might not be quite appropriate.

Its ships, its rocks, its caves, its hopes, its fears,—
Its voice mysterious, which whoso hears

Hey-- I'm Talkin' to You!

Tonto was trying to follow the advice of his marketing people, in regards to the promotion of my new novel. I had been advised to not appear too snooty, yet not too low-class either. I was to find some middle ground. I wasn’t too keen on this idea though, since there is no middle ground with Tonto. It was at this time an epiphany occurred and I came upon my most successful discovery. “We should never underestimate the power of the voice.” And by this, I mean—LOUD. It connotes strength and sincerity. So Tonto has procured a megaphone and has started a new campaign which might involve breaking a few eardrums.

Eskimo Gothic

I’m not saying that delivering newspapers in Barrow had its drawbacks, but the time spent between igloos (sometimes days) was potent with afflatus. A novel was brewing in my brain, and was certain that it would be a best seller. That was until my publisher informed me that they couldn’t proceed with “To Kill a Tundra Swan.” Too bad! It was an Eskimo gothic novel involving racial injustice and the destruction of innocence. The narrator, six-year-old Paj, lives with her older brother Amorak and their widowed father Apukeena, a middle-aged seal hunter. Apukeena is appointed by the elders to defend Old Bill Robinson, a trapper who has been accused of raping a young Inuit, Adine. Anyway, I thought it had potential. Can’t figure out why it was turned down.

The Original Vicious Missile of Truth

The Vicious Missile of Truth was actually first invented by Tonto Fielding. I’m thinking about a copyright suit against Charlie Sheen. At first, my plan was to use it to expose the SOCORRO UFO HOAX, but ended up letting Blake Edwards use it in his movie, The Great Race, for a Professor Fate stunt.