Friday, February 24, 2012

Quid Pro Quo

Tonto Fielding has a new television reality show that he is pitching to several producers. In it, the members of the cast display an instinctive set of characteristics, not learned through written or spoken words, but instead, simply understood by all members of the group, who must follow these unspoken rules to be accepted and considered normal. Essentially they will interact under a mask of acceptable behavior with regards to the other members of the group with whom they choose to interact, respecting each other’s essential needs, wants, and desires. This will include safety, food, sleep and the emotions of love, pleasure, anger, and fear. The “hook” here, and what will differentiate it from other reality shows, is that the group will look for ways to fill each member’s essential needs. The better someone in the cast is at successfully interacting with others; the more likely he or she will be to have a large portion of their life and behavior influenced by the opinions of his peers. And then at the end of each show, the cast will have five minutes to verbally abuse, spit at, pull hair, punch, and claw each other.

Monday, February 20, 2012

from- The NASCAR Sonnets

Your sheet metal doth th’ impression fill
Which sanctioned sponsors stamped upon my bonnet;
What cares Tonto for foreign cars,
The horse is happy in my carburetor.
You are my Daytona,
My fruitful Dale,
None else to me, nor I to none alive,
Can take your place at the pole.
In so profound abyss am I lapped,
Of others’ voices in the pitstop.
To suffer such outlandish abuse in switching lanes
Mark with my bumper I do dispense.
You are so strongly in my engine block bred,
No longer do I mourn, now the flag is raised.

Sunday, February 19, 2012


Tonto Fielding recently went one on one in a debate with Margaret Witty-Wrong, leader of the Velvet Lizzies Social Club and Family Preservation Society, whose precept was “everything happens for a reason.”

I believed that I had won over the audience after making it perfectly clear that we should embrace a view where human spirituality is in a manner consistent with science and postmodern natural philosophy. This is a world view which gains nothing from theism or from atheism, both of which prefer to believe that they already know pretty much everything about the human world and how it works.

Witty-Wrong made a strong counter move by explaining to the audience that Tonto Fielding was a moral reprobate who had been banned from thirty six countries due to numerous reasons, including having taken part in several revolutions, smuggling, and several news worthy lecherous affairs that had brought down monarchies.

A deft move on her part, indeed.

But I threw her curveball that she was never able to recover from. I countered with the old Existentialism argument (centered upon the analysis of existence and of the way humans find themselves existing in the world). I explained how choices become unique without the necessity of any objective form of truth. This is a strategy Tonto will resort to, simply because I like to win arguments.

I could only smile, because I had won the point by using two completely opposing philosophies. Poor Margaret was so steamed by this time, she cried “Foul,” and threw her cup of tea in my face..

Finally, the issue of whether small dogs and large dogs should be permitted to commingle in the newly proposed Dog Park, was voted on by the council.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


"God, I am so bored."
"What do you mean bored?"
"Christ. Can you believe these two?"
“Eh. Give it a chance. That’s what I always say.”
“Could he be more clueless?”
“Dense as a mud brick. That’s what I always say.”
“New guy says he wants to paint us.”
“Again? Can’t they think of something else to paint?”
“It is getting pretty old.”
“Ain’t that the truth.”
“Yet I hear this one has some talent.”
“We’ll see.”
“Want to get a drink after this?”
“Life is death if you don’t have a little drink every now and then.”
“Hey, that’s my line.”
“Oh yeah. Sorry.”

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Power of Color

Tonto Fielding’s contribution to painting is a story that Art Historians refuse to recognize. But, any guerilla artist will tell you that art encompasses so much more than what hangs in museums.

Tonto spent years working on perfecting the art of mixing colors. I drew my inspiration from the journals of Vincent Van Gogh, who wrote, "It is impossible to say, for instance, how many green-grays there are; there is an endless variety. But the whole chemistry of colors is not more complicated than those few simple rules. And having a clear notion of this is worth more than 70 different colors of paint -- because with those three principal colors and black and white, one can make more than 70 tones and varieties. The colorist is the person who knows at once how to analyze a color, when it sees it in nature, and can say, for instance: that green-grey is yellow with black and blue, etc. In other words, someone who knows how to find the grays of nature on their palette.”

Finally, I came up with the perfect combination of pigments for my signature color of paint. Now, the walls of every hospital in the world are covered with the “Fielding Shade” of green.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Flashing the House Lights

When Igor Stravinsky's ballet, “The Rite of Spring,” premiered on May 29, 1913, at the Théatre des Champs-Elysées in Paris, Tonto Fielding’s grandfather (Hieronymus Fielding) was more shocked than the audience, which responded to the performance with a din of hisses and catcalls.

Vaslav Nijinsky's shocking choreography was obviously stolen from Fielding’s ballet, The Professor’s Maid, that tells the story of Ludvig Bager Nissen Kragballe and his maid, Misse Jørgensen, who is celebrated for her award winning sauerkraut and sausage recipes. The ballet had already earned a reputation for being physically unnatural to perform. This was one of Fielding’s hallmarks.

As for the music, Fielding’s masterpiece, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern at Le Chabanais, had already premiered with a musical theme without a melody, and only one loud, pulsating, dissonant chord with jarring, irregular accents.
Hieronymus Fielding fought Stravinsky in the courts for years, but was never compensated. He did though have the last laugh, when he called in a marker and had Stravinsky and Nijinsky banned from the famous French Brothel, the subject of his not so famous ballet score.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Running Would Be a Good Idea!

All great men in history, it seems, have their nemesis. Tonto Fielding is no different. His is J. P. Zoomers-Vermeer, garden-variety author of the “Name of the Cabbage” Fantasy series (the saga of the magical hamster, Welbore, who dares to challenge destiny).

Zoomers-Vermeer claims that he has developed the world’s most elaborate and best trained Flea Circus in modern history. What some of you may not be aware of, is that I had a Flea Circus Exhibit at Expo 67 (World Fair) in Montreal. Z. V. is even threatening to enter the circus on the upcoming season of America’s Got Talent.

Well Tonto is not going to take this lying down. I am currently training the Weightlifting Champion Ant, Vasily, in the art of total destruction, and plan to unleash Vasily on the circus, in order to go Godzilla on their asses, during taping of the program.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Commedia dell'arte

It is generally accepted these days that all men are created equal. Tonto would add that there are two exceptions to this premise: geniuses and idiots. A wise minister once told me that first God made idiots. This was for practice. He then created politicians.

The Fielding family tree found one of these giants swinging by a branch, like a psychotic Gibbon: Arlecchino Fielding. He was so unextraordinary, he quickly climbed the ranks of the Inquisition in Venice, focusing on heretical literature (ironic, when you realize that Tonto Fielding is related).

What made Arlecchino famous, though, was that commedia dell'arte developed a character based on him, intended as a kind of characteristic representative of his age.

This was because old Arlecchino never lacked for passion. A family trait, for sure, since with it comes insight and can lend intelligence to simpletons, fools and idiots.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Siege

One of the family stories, told at every Fielding family reunion, involves Sir Archamboud-on-Fielding, one of the more flamboyant members on the family tree. It was during the dark years of Kings and dragons. Hearing that there was a young maiden held prisoner in the tower of his rival, Lord Doolin of Panting Castle, he undertook a siege to rescue her.

At first, he set up a long-term encampment at a safe distance from the castle's long-range catapults and crossbows. Sir Tonto then used his own heavy weapons such as battering rams, catapults, trebuchets and towers to breach the walls. But this was all a diversion. His master plan was to come from underneath. Miners found a weak point in the castle's wall, and tunneled under the foundation. They were then able to first take the gatehouse, then the castle's bailey, followed by its towers and the keep. With the hand-to-hand combat that followed, heavy losses were suffered on both sides.

When the men presented the rescued prize to their lord, Sir Archamboud-on-Fielding, known to his closest circle as Archie-on-Wenches, he discovered that she was so ugly that even his favorite hound hid under the desk.
This is when his forces undertook a second siege, in order to return her. As it turned out, it was all an elaborate rouse. Lord Doolin had let Archamboud win the first battle. The second was a total failure and the Fielding clan has never been able to live this page in history down.

Those damned Doolins still like to rub our noses in it.