Thursday, June 30, 2011

Tonto Dabbles in Sonnets

O thou, my lovely midget clowns, who in thy power

Dost hold laughter’s fickle glass, his sickle, hour;

Who hast by paint and grease, and therein show'st

Thy detractors withering as thy sweet self n'er grow'st;

If Nature, sovereign mistress over ring,

As thou amuse us, still will pluck thee back.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Ted the Bogan

Tonto Fielding, having had his fill hearing about how smart African Grey parrots are, decided to do some research on his own. This is when I developed a sign language for kangaroos. Ted, my first subject, signed me during our first experiment, saying “Righto, let’s go approach some girls we don’t know.” I signed back “What?,” since I was not expecting such quick results. He then came back, signing “Tonto, if we’re sitting there at a barbecue, and have got some beer, a girl’s drinking the exact same drink, well then we’ve got something in common just to start up with, yeah?” This is when I realized that our animal brothers are kuta.

Monday, June 27, 2011

A Star is Born

Tonto Fielding is currently lobbying the American Film Institute (AFI) to have the film, The Maid, starring Betty Page and Tempest Storm, to be inserted into their Top 100 list. I’m thinking maybe between #8 (On The Waterfront) and #9 (Shindler’s List).

So far, I have received no response.

Do I Hear Two Million?

Since the only authenticated photograph of Billy the Kid was recently auctioned off for $2.3 million, Tonto Fielding has decided to put a family relic on the block also, in hopes making some quick cash. My great-great-great grandfather, Silas Fielding sketched the last known image of HRH Wilhelm Lustgarden of the Castell-Rudenhausen ducal house, on a cocktail napkin before the duke disappeared on a hunting trip deep into indian territory. Rumor has it that he went native. One of Crazy Horses’ braves, at the Fetterman Massacre, was reported to be wearing a monocle.

I’m starting the bidding at one million.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


It was made clear to Tonto that my novel would not be allowed into the library system, unless it was “bowdlerized” by a member of the committee, in order to protect the community from the effrontery of any gratuitous sex and inappropriate language. This task fell to Fanny Butcher. When I received my copy of the revised manuscript, I was to find that my masterpiece had been reduced to just two words: “The End.”

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Literary Finds

Tonto, after much procrastination, decided to tackle the mounting pile of manuscripts building on my desk like the tower of Babel. It was when I was nearing the bottom that I found the discovery of a lifetime-- a previously unknown work by the the leader of an little known group of poets in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery chwyrndrobwllllanty siliogogogoch, Anglesey, Wales, dedicated to finding the secrets of the universe revealed from images on burnt toast. This treatise could possibly rival Plutarch’s “On the Apparent Face in the Orb of the Moon," and Bishop J. Harwood Mutterer’s “De Vita Beata.”

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Case Solved

Tonto has finally discovered where the copies of his novel, The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles, were shipped to.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Big Misunderstanding

Due to a mistranslation by one of the new acolytes, while a group of monks were watching the Dalai Lama on a CNN International rebroadcast of the Larry King Live show, several of them immediately lined up at Uncle Tam’s parlor in Katmandu to get their new Betty Page tattoos.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Power of Poetry

My new strategy for luring out the elusive Bigfoot is to have several volunteers placed in remote woodland areas and read aloud from Ovid’s Metamorphosis, extolling the deeds of a hero and emphasizing the recurring theme of love—be it personal love or love personified in the figure of Amor. Being a creature of introspection, the bait will be irresistible.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dear Old Dad

Tonto wishes his father, Bill, a Happy Father’s Day. Apparently I was the product of a one night stand. Mother was plied with promises of a one way ticket out of Calico. She woke the next morning, only to find several empty gin bottles, several jokes scribbled on a cocktail napkin, a llama in the bathroom, and her first hangover.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Queen of Burlesque

Here is dear mother, just before she executes her trademark figure eight tassel twirl. "Mumsie," as I called her, was working several jobs while obtaining her Phd. in nuclear medicine. Although translating latin text for a local Seminary was her most fulfilling job, she couldn't deny that she really did have a gift for titillation. The rest of the story is history. I'm waiting for a posthumous Nobel for her work in nanotechnology.

Monday, June 13, 2011

24 Hours of LeMans

When I showed up at this years 24 Hour LeMans Race, to register with my entourage, we were stopped at the gate. I was told that my vehicle did not qualify as a race car. An argument ensued as to the merits of a social
environment in which people are not excluded from the activities of that society. Security then showed up and confiscated our built in beer keg, photographed us, and subsequently banned "Sweet Bessie" from the premises.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

History-- Rediscovering the Truth

I’ve been doing a little research. Prior to the Revolutionary war, there were no political parties in the colonies. George Washington and John Adams believed in a strong central government so they associated with "Federalists", although during Washington's presidency there was no Federalist Party organization. Thomas Jefferson and James Madison believed in a weaker central government fearing that a strong federal government would take over the new states just as if there were a king all over again. The people who thought this way were known as Democratic- Republicans. It was at this time that Paul Revere’s ride became distorted and mythologized for political gain. What he actually cried out that fateful night was, “Buchman Tavern’s Apple Tansey, two for one—only three shillings.”

Friday, June 3, 2011

The Cover-Up

Tonto Fielding has discovered through previously classified documents, the cover-up of the Montana National guard incident of 1958. Colonel Bull “Ironside” Beets deployed his unit to set up a security perimeter around the Sacajawea Memorial Picnic Area near Dillon, after a Bigfoot sighting by several children attending a birthday party. His strategy was to appear to be seizing and exploiting the initiative-- and then to feign a withdrawal in order to draw the reclusive creature out. A machine gun nest would then demonstrate an over powering force. Ralph Pudd, who had been hired as a clown for the birthday party was riddled with over two thousand bullet holes when he emerged from behind a clump of bushes where he had been relieving himself.