Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Classic Literature


The Lords of the forest are
the enemies of sweet reason,
the jugglers of eternal isolation,
molders of our lucid quiescence

--Bertram S. Fields (great grandfather of famous novelist, Tonto Fielding)

Monday, May 23, 2011


Tonto Fielding expanded his acting résumé when playing an extra on an episode of Extras, starring Ricky Gervais. Being fully aware that getting noticed would require the ability to express a variety of emotions without ever uttering a single word, I would follow in the footsteps of my idol Lon Chaney and brought my own makeup kit. Tonto was familiar with what it was like to be an outsider, to be at once a part of the everyday world and simultaneously distanced from it. And this would be the key to the art of acting, the art of continual transformation, which comes from a desire to become someone else, to leave your own skin and enter another’s. Hence I became “Quasimodo eating a sandwich at catering table.” I have been told that I nailed it.

Catch A Rising Star

The rumor mill in Tinsle Town is abuzz with reports that British comedian, Paul Foot, is slated for the role of Pirate #27 in the fifth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise. I, for one, am formulating a camping strategy in order to be first in line for tickets of the premier.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Family Tree

Tonto Fielding has been exploring his family history on one of those ancestry search engines. It has been great fun and I followed my blood line all the way back to Gog Fielding, who lived in a cave about 12 km (7.5 mi) east of Düsseldorf, Germany. He clunked Uh over the head and dragged her back to his lair to start the family. He thought her beard was pretty cute. Before this union, the trail runs dry.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The New #7

Rumors are starting to swirl, that the famous Stage Deli is going to introduce the Tonto Fielding to their menu. The conjecture over what will be in the sandwich has already become a matter of great debate in some of New York’s finest drinking establishments, and has been the cause of several bouts of fisticuffs requiring police intervention. For those of you who are handicapping the outcome, here are several of my favorite foods, if you are wondering what Tonto might put into the sandwich. 1—Saice (which is a Bolivian kind of hash). 2—Imam Bayildi (which is a Turkish eggplant dish). 3--Trinidadian Roti bread would be great for any sandwich. 4-- Alouettes Sans Têtes (which translates as headless larks). Yummy! And I can’t leave out, #5—good old fashion Pork Butt Goulash. Bon Appétit!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

An Artist, A True Star

Tonto Fielding’s literary masterpiece has been running into roadblocks. Publishers refuse to accept my work on grounds such as copyright infringement and plagiarism. As a true artist, I refuse to compromise my integrity, and will continue to title the work—Of Mice and Monkeys.

Monday, May 16, 2011

No, I Want You To Die, Mr. Bond.

Tonto is currently on his private sovereign island, named the Bracken Duchy. I am working out an evil plan to come up with the next great evil Bond villain, to pitch to the Broccoli family. Madgibber the Twisted, Madbrood the Unspeakable, and Bentcraze the Warped, are all from a name generator. But I think they all sound too much like something from a stupid fantasy novel (to wizardly). I’m leaning more towards Germanic sounding names like, Albrecht Unsöld, Felix von Trojan, and Boo von Malmborg. Of course I might be tempted to go with the Dickensian theme. Ralph Eugene Meatyard and Robert T. Howling could work. Think evil Tonto, think evil…

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Winderzeuger, Maestro!

Tonto was a contestant in the World Organ Playing Championships in Klagenfurt Austria. My music, I thought was going to put me over the top. I had chosen Fürchtet euch nicht, siehe ich verkündige euch große Freude, by Dieterich Buxtehude. It turned out that my chief rival, Ernest Reginald McClintock Dix had attached helium canisters to the diaphone pipes, making the powerful bass groundtone sound more like a car alarm. Needless to say, I lost the competition. The good news is that Ernest now has had to commit to a grueling concert schedule, while I get to watch baseball games for free. All I have to do is play “Take Me Out to the Ballpark,’ during the seventh inning stretch, and the theme to The Addams Family a couple of times. People love their TV theme songs.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Crank It Up!

At a time when guitarists were seeking more volume, Tonto found himself in a race with Jim Marshall to produce an amplifier with the most amperage. Jim came out with the “Marshal Sound,” that Ritchie Blackmore and Pete Townshend made popular. I, on the other hand, developed what I called, the “Fielding Stack,” which was made famous when original guitarist Manfred Lurker of the band, Piano Sandwich, was electrocuted on stage during the Woodstock Festival. This tragic scene obviously was deleted from the documentary film. For a short period, all the hard rockers wanted a “Stack,” but the second unfortunate incident sealed its fate.

Ice Hopping

Tonto has decided to write a letter to IOC President, Jacques Rogge, in order to support and advance his old friend, Nanook’s movement to have Iceberg Jumping added as a sanctioned Olympic sport. The rules are quite simple: Single icebergs must be hopped on with one foot. For the first single iceberg, either foot may be used. Side by side icebergs are straddled, with the left foot landing on the left berg, and the right foot landing on the right berg. It would be considered a DNF if the athlete falls in the water. Of course, I first had to explain to my friend that the rules to ban performance enhancing drugs would also apply to this sport. He finally capitulated on this point.

A, B, C, D, or All the Above.

As the inventor of standardized testing, Tonto is astounded that they are presently being given to students as a way to assess their abilities to analyze and solve problems, understand relationships, and interpret material. My original intention, was for them to be used as a way to substantiate the lower-order thinking of Colonel Erich Arnold von Buggenhaggen’s chimpanzee corps, which he had been touting as being more suited to accomplishing infantry tasks than the average soldier. He claimed that the human soldiers complained too much about shooting, loud noises, and sore backs.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Founded Upon Abstractions, Mr. Orwell

Theodore Ramsey Kneebone, the worlds leading forensic anthropologist, upon a cursory inspection of the remains of the burial of an old man found with three heads placed on his chest, discovered in the jungle of New Guinea, declared his expert opinion. “Here we have what might appear to be an ancient find with considerable implications to the advancement of archeology. Contrary to what my colleagues may believe, the truth is that this site contains the remains of a shipwrecked Swede prone to saccadic eye movements, who was often considered to be whimsical or quirky, smoked discarded cigarette butts off the street, was opinionated and outspoken concerning past Miss Sweden contestants, had a mischievous sense of humor, and a predilection to cannibalism.”

Saturday, May 7, 2011

More Interesting People...

The news of winning the Cooley-Mead Award, given annually to an individual who has made lifetime contributions to distinguished scholarship in sociological social psychology, for his work on Glossophobia, caused timorous uncertain agitation in W. de B.P. Batty-Smith. For poor Batty-Smith had to accept the award in front of an audience of his peers.

Friday, May 6, 2011

That's Show Biz Baaaaby!

During a recent meeting, studio executives were bandying names about for the role of Gideon Chickenstalker in a film version of The Hillbilly Vampire Chronicles, which is in the development phase. When asked my opinion (as author of the novel), I immediately said—Chris Farley.

Their response was, “He’s dead, dude (they love that term of endearment in Hollywood). What, have you been living in a cave or something?”
I could only speak the truth, and said, “Well, actually I have been living in that cave in Lascaux, Corrèze for awhile. At first I was taking part in an isolation experiment for the Laboratory for Physiological Psychology at the Sorbonne, where Tonto was cut off from communication with other people. After ten years of delusions and loss of reality and personal identity, my thinking became less directed, and was eventually replaced by highly personal fantasies and hallucinations. This was something that turned out to be not that unpleasant. Anyway, my intimate knowledge of the cave came in handy at the end of the experiment and I was hired to do some touch-up work on the Paleolithic cave paintings, for the Werner Herzog documentary, Cave of Forgotten Dreams.”

Their response was something like, “tchea, right!”

Tonto could only respond with a little bit of dactylology. Small minds will never be able to understand the free lance.

Thursday, May 5, 2011


Tonto Fielding’s idea for a fundraiser, when teaching at a school for blind children in Tanzania, had a minor glitch. I thought it might be a cool idea to put together a donkey basketball game, hoping to take in $1,500 for the purchase of a Kurzweil Reader. Unfortunately my man showed up with several rhinoceros instead (something obviously was lost in translation). The result was a catastrophe. The less said the better.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Famous Literary Disputes

One of history’s hushed up literary disputes is in the process of being investigated by Tonto Fielding. At Magdalen College, Oxford, Oscar Wilde openly scorned "manly" sports though he occasionally boxed. It was during this period that Wilde happened to overhear fellow student, John Cawte Beaglehole, disparage Walter Pate’s “Studies in the History of the Renaissance,” which Wilde had claimed, “has had such a strange influence over my life.” What Tonto has uncovered, is that Wilde knocked Beaglehole out with one punch. I have concluded after much research, that in fact it was not a fixed fight, as some have suggested. In retrospect, it has become quite clear throughout boxing history that some of its greatest fighters have all had a propensity for languishing attitudes and showy costumes, a tradition that Wilde clearly originated.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Famous Edgars in History

When Lionel Keats, the minor English poet and seldom recognized brother of John Keats, started hearing the voice of an imaginary friend tell him repeatedly, “I am going to stay here and not go away until you do what I say,” he decided to share this with his parents. They told him, “Whatever else you do, keep telling yourself that the voice comes from a malfunction in your brain and under no circumstances are to do what the voice says.” This was sage advice, because Lionel’s evil mutant twin, Edgar, kept trying to convince him to kill the future major romantic poet. Sadly Lionel never questioned why mirrors had been banned from the family home. Having knowledge of the true nature this strange voice would have made life so much simpler for him. He never could understand why they kept screaming, “shut up Edgar,” at him. Few are aware that the poem To My Brother George was first titled To My Brother Lionel, but the editors decided that this might not be quite appropriate.

Its ships, its rocks, its caves, its hopes, its fears,—
Its voice mysterious, which whoso hears