Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Challenge

Times were hard and some blow hard at the local tavern put up a case of twenty five year old Glendronach Scotch Whiskey that nobody would ever catch the elusive loch ness Monster this season. Well, since Tonto is one of the world’s foremost Bigfoot hunters, the challenge was clearly directed at him. Surely it wasn’t the Hatfield twins at the end of the bar. The challenge is on, as they say. I plan to prepare by learning the time honored Arkansas art of catfish noodling. Reports to follow!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Didn't Expect To See Me, Did You?

My new hobby brings such joy. Lately I have been driven by a compulsion to bust through closed doors, announcing, “AH HA!!!” I don’t know why it is so much fun, but it is definitely worth the whispering and pointed fingers.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Monday, December 20, 2010

Hey--Look Up. What's That in the Sky?

Tonto’s lunar eclipse parties are famous. Not to be outdone, here is a sneak peek at who you will find at this year’s gala: Androids, Bitches, Boys that look like girls, Drag Queens, Geeks, Girls that punch harder than boys, Glam Rockers, Goths, Gypsies, Industrial Heads, Punk Rockers, Vampires, Werewolves, Witches, Whores, and Zombies. And most important of all—Trekkies.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


Researchers believe that they have found lost files of the first case of early onset Alzheimer disease. Test subject #001 was only known as “W” and for some reason the files mysteriously disappeared at end of the last century. Several members of the research team died in an air crash shortly afterwards, and another is believed to have volunteered to conduct Aids research at an outpost in the Congo Republic (whereabouts presently unknown).

Friday, December 17, 2010

Nirvana in Your HEAD!!!

Tonto hopes to hit it big this holiday shopping season with the new game he has invented—Eightfold. “End of cyclic existence!”—Gamer Magazine says. Images of extinguishing a flame abound, that you work your way through at different levels; by blowing it out, by smothering it, by starving it of fuel, or at the harder levels (censored). Added bonus: the absence of undesirable things. Gamers rejoice—it is so SICK, it is UNBORN, UNORGINATED, and UNCREATED.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The True Test of Character

Tonto had to disqualify himself from the snowball fight that took place during our recent snow squall. Some called me chicken. I had to endure these taunts and insults, because they were not aware of the danger that stood before them. I had been trained long ago in the ancient Chinese martial art of Feilong, which some of you more experienced snowball enthusiasts may know as the Winged Dragon that rides on clouds of snow with palms of a tiger. Because dragons are the rulers of moving bodies of water, my opponents could have become seriously hurt. So I just watched from a safe distance with a smile on my face.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Tonto was asked to bring a salad to a Christmas party this year. After having my fill of Mennonite Summer Salad, while recently working on an investigative piece, I decided to try my luck at a seven layer salad. Not to be outdone by any of those Betty Crocker types, I called on my good friend, Harrison Lapahie Jr., who is one of the Navajo tribes most esteemed sand artists. He instructed me to draw a simple picture of the salad I envisioned on a piece of paper with a pencil. Then he said to be sure not to overcomplicate the design because it can be difficult to control vegetables with over intricate details. I was then to spread the ingredients evenly throughout the glass bowl with a Popsicle stick, and repeat the process until all areas of the bowl had been covered with their corresponding colored veggie. It was imparted to me that if I followed these instructions, this layered salad would not only taste scrumptious, but would also restore harmony to the diners, or as the Navajos say, "hózhó."

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Investigative Journalism 101

Tonto has just returned from an undercover operation. This was a real tricky assignment, because I had to infiltrate a closed society that was suspicious of all outsiders. The magazine, Bon Appetite, hired me to find the secret behind the ubiquitous Mennonite Summer Salad that shows up at almost every picnic pot-luck. They all seem the same in appearance, but taste is another matter all together. The disguise was easy; grow a beard. But getting the recipe took some serious flirting and seduction that almost got me killed. Not only did I discover that you should chop the spinach before adding the cucumber, onions and radishes, but you also toss ingredients lightly. Too heavy with the tossing and you could blow the whole operation. My conclusion at this point was that it was all about technique, until my undercover work discovered that the true secret of this salad was in the presentation. You should arrange in a wooden salad bowl and place a mound of cottage cheese in the middle, before putting the dressing on. Sprinkle paprika in the middle and place parsley all around. You toss again, only when ready to serve. In the end, I couldn’t wait to shave that damn beard off. Oh, and Bon Appetite ended up ghost writing my piece (something about adjectives) ---bastards! Next time my fee will be much higher.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Tonto had an inspiration in the middle of the night. I came up with a new sandwich, which I am sure is going to be a great hit and make me rich. It consists of a ground beef patty inside a bun. You can put any kind of cheese that you prefer on it, along with an assortment of condiments. I am now on the way to the patent office. Wish me luck! What do you think I should call it?

Monday, December 6, 2010

Time To Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

Here is my champion, Archimedes, in training. Are you looking Santa Claus? This is the stud that’s going to kick your best reindeer’s butt. Yes, Tonto challenges any of your crew to a race. Winner takes all—that means toy factory, elves, Mrs. Claus, you name it. So, what do you say?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Idle Rich are Hard to Entertain

Tonto has been doing some undercover investigative journalistic work recently, which has uncovered the new favorite past time of the worlds elite Billionaire’s Club. Bored with purchasing English football clubs, they now prefer to buy islands and blow them up with nuclear weapons procured from financially strapped scientists in the former Soviet Republic. Here we have St. Bartholomew as it is lit up. The members of this club watch from a safe distance, in their mega-yachts, and hold up signs with scores after the explosion. St. Bartholomew garnered a rating of 8.5.

Friday, December 3, 2010

All The World is a Stage

Tonto Fielding’s first play, “Oy Vay, My Son Moved to Athens,” showed great promise, but closed on the first night anyway. I thought that my premise was sound. A young man from Cleveland goes to Ohio University, and remains after graduation, because he makes a wager between God and Satan about the material world's false promises. The allegory that I meant to portray showed that you need to beware when money sounds sweeter than music. In the play I caution that those who win lotteries stand to lose all, including their spiritual treasures, families, communities and religion. My student, Hershel Dubrovner, was living a good life until he meets a young white man with dread locks who shares a mutual affinity for the band Phish, and turns Hershel into a greedy, dishonest taco vender whose success desecrates both his religion and his community. Betrayal and abandonment replace serenity and familiarity; the instruments of good fortune become instruments of death. Not even the band Phish, previously Hershel’s joy, can heal these rifts.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Heads Up!

As the KGB could tell you, when Tonto was in high school he stole a kiss from one of the cheerleaders, just before her father came at him with a machete, an M-16, two grenades, and a laser-sighted blow dart (Czech made). My escape was narrow but later received an anonymous letter, stamped from Moscow, saying “Nice escape kid. Хорошо выглядящий птенец тоже.”

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Flying Hamster Experiments: Journal Entry #60525

Spunky III was returned to the pet store when his test flight turned into a battle of the wits. Fortunately Tonto had the foresight to remove all ammunition from the machine gun mounts on the vintage bi-plane I had borrowed from the WWI Historical Flight Society. Spunky thought it would be fun to dive bomb his patron and scare the bejebus out of him. Sidebar: I told the store manager that Spunky hated Ecotrition Essential Blend Hamster & Gerbil Food, and preferred just plain old lettuce leafs. The last laugh was obviously mine.