Sunday, August 29, 2010

Squirrel Hunting Season Opens in Ohio

We never knew this—you need a permit to hunt squirrels in Ohio.

The daily bag limit of red, grey or fox squirrels is six. Hardly enough for a decent stew, we say.

What we want to know is, who made this law, and who do they think is going to enforce it? HA! HA!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Sophronia Creevy, Miss Meigs County, Ohio, 2010, was immortalized in bronze this week. This statue will sit at the entrance to Lucy and Jacob Milvey’s Gift Shop and Wart Removals, who sponsored Sophronia in the contest. Our hats off to Elijah Quilp for this wonderful rendition.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Arnold Ziffel--Genius Pig

Today, I want to pay special tribute to the famous genius pig Arnold Ziffel. Not only was he a star of television, but was also an accomplished abstract painter, once referred to as Porky Picasso, after his work entitled “Nude at a Filling Station” was banned. A pig of many talents, he could change the channels on the television to his favorite shows (and this was before the clicker), and could also write his name. He attended school (how many pigs do you know who went to school) and was known as a practical joker by fellow students. Once he fell in love with a Basset Hound named Cynthia Haney, but alas their love could never be. It was almost Shakespearian in its depictment.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Frank Zappa, Rock Legend

Frank Zappa’s widow, Gail Zappa, who is the head of the Zappa Family Trust, is keeping Zappa tribute bands from playing Zappa music. She is using the legal system to stop them from playing. Only a few are performing, because they have received permission from the trust. One of which is headed by son, Dweezil Zappa.

Gail—you are a corporation, schilling for yourself!

You are a pox on Rock and Roll. Doing cover versions of songs are how every garage band got started—you idiot.

But Frank was a composer, not a rocker. Get a grip on yourself. Varese was a pretentious poser, not a composer also.

Inflated heads—all around, folks.

I liked Zappa when he was a rocker and I’d bet you my last dollar he played covers in his first band.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Pick-Up Artist

This guy is such an asshole, I want to be him. Hell yeah, all the chicks will want Tonto because I'm having so much fun.">

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Twoo Thumbs Up

OK folks--Tonto has a movie to recommend to you. "Creature from the Hillbilly Lagoon."
Here is a link to the movie trailer:

Monday, August 2, 2010

Tonto’s New Rules for Demolition Derby

1. No more Small, Mid Size, and Big Car categories. Only Big cars going after Little Bitty Cars category now.

2. No babies allowed in the pits without wearin’ one of those tiny baseball batting helmets that they serve ice cream in at ball games.

3. No plastic rim moldings. Only Chrome. Plastic is for pansies.

4. Alcoholic beverages now officially allowed. Who else but a drunk would enter his car into one of these, because he “thought it might be fun.”

5. Judge’s decisions are final, or until settled with a good ass kicking.

6. Purse is subject to change, depending on how many beer runs are made by judges.

7. No welding in the pits.

8. All cars to be inspected by Tonto Fielding. Notice open pocket in overalls.

9. Foreign cars allowed only in Small Car category.

10. A shirt and long pants are a must. Alcoholics, this means you!

11. Driver’s door can be used as a shield when settling disputes on the track.

12. Football helmets will be accepted as safety gear.

13. No grease or roofing tar may be used for coating on frame or body structure.

14. You must make an aggressive hit every minute. This means you Small Car pansies!

15. No girlfriends or wives allowed onto track to assault driver of car that disabled you with an aggressive hit.

Now have some fun!